Love is a Gift
by dawneh
Summary: For John Paul's birthday Jacqui gives him a gift he needs above all others... but that doesnt mean it's going to lead to what he wants
1. Chapter 1

"John Paul have you got a sec?"

"Sure Jac what is it?"

John Paul got to his feet and joined his eldest sister in the kitchen. Sometimes it had been overwhelming growing up in a house full of women and there had been times when he craved some male input, especially in his youth when he would feel trapped amidst them all. But the passage of time had given John Paul a new perspective and he had discovered that his sisters were far more than the annoying women he had once considered them to be.

Each one held their own beauty, inside and out, and John Paul would fight tooth and nail to protect them, just like he knew they would fight for each other, or for him.

Myra had long since instilled the importance of family in her children and they had grown up knowing that, no matter how often they might fall out and claim to hate each other, when the need arose the McQueen children would stand shoulder to shoulder against the world.

"What d'you want?" John Paul asked as he looked at Jacqui. Being the oldest of the children Jacqui had often sacrificed her own needs in favour of her younger siblings and John Paul knew he would never be able to repay that debt. Jacqui was a beautiful woman but it sometimes seemed to be something she tried to hide. Her gentle features were all too often buried behind excessive amounts of make up and a show of being hard faced and uncaring. John Paul had always been able to see past the mask that his sister wore and he had never been happier than when she found a good man in Tony, a man who could also see beyond her bravado to the frightened girl beneath.

"Happy birthday." Jacqui handed her brother an envelope, her bright eyes sparkling with some secret pleasure.

"You've already given me a present Jac… what's this?" John Paul turned the white envelope over in his hands with puzzled curiosity.

"This is off me and Tony… something that I think you… look we wont be offended if you don't use it… but I think you should… I think you need to…"

"What is it?"

Jacqui laughed. "The usual way to find out what's inside an envelope is to open it," she teased affectionately.

John Paul ripped open the envelope slowly, his heart racing as he saw the contents, he wasn't sure what he had expected to find inside but it wasn't this.

"Tickets to Dublin?" John Paul said with a gasp.

Jacqui smiled and slipped an arm around John Paul's shoulders, surprised to find that the young man was trembling.

Jacqui had never been a fan of Craig Dean. She had seen how that boy had messed her brother around and, quite frankly, she didn't think he was good enough for John Paul. But she had also seen how the young man that she had watched grow from a boy had blossomed in the year he had known Craig, and she had seen the loss and pain in his soft blue eyes ever since Craig had been gone.

"I don't understand," John Paul said quietly.

"Go and see him John Paul," Jacqui replied with a strong squeeze of her brother's shoulders, "I know you've been missing him…"

"What if I'm too late… what if he doesn't want to know any more?"

"Then at least you'll know… isn't that better than always wondering… look it's an open ticket… you can come back in a day… a week… never…"

"Never? I thought you didn't like Craig…"

"But it's not how I feel about him that counts is it?"

---

John Paul sat on his bed, plane tickets to Dublin laid out before him, offering him pleasure or pain, and if he didn't take up their offer he would never know which.

Picking up his phone John Paul flicked through his text messages for the one he had received on Christmas day.

"Merry Xmas. miss you. luv 2 cu in Dublin. X."

It was a message John Paul hadn't been able to reply to any more than he had been able to delete it.

But that was months ago. Was Craig still missing him now or had his silence given the dark haired man the push to move on and leave the memories of what they once shared behind.

John Paul had been so certain he was doing the right thing that day in September when he walked away. He had known in his heart that Craig wasn't ready to be open and comfortable in the world. John Paul had been positive he made the right decision. His feet hadn't faltered as he left the airport and walked briskly to the taxi rank. At which point he had spun around on his heels, pushing back through the crowds of people in an attempt to get back to Craig. But when he got there Craig had gone. Why hadn't Craig known he would come back for him? Why had Craig been so willing to let him go without a fight? But the biggest why of all had to be, why did John Paul walk away from the only love he had ever known?

Running his thumb over his phone's screen John Paul looked at the plane tickets again. He hadn't taken the chance once and he regretted it every day since. This time he wasn't going to make that mistake, however it might turn out.

---

John Paul lifted his hand to knock and then hesitated. It had all seemed so simple, such a good idea, but now, faced with nothing but a single door separating him from Craig Dean he wasn't so sure.

Standing at the airport with his ticket for Dublin clutched tightly in his hand had been an unsettling experience. John Paul could almost see the ghost of two teenage boys, on the verge of starting out on a new life together, filled with hopes and dreams and a promise of the future.

John Paul wanted to grab them and tell them not to throw it away. To hold tight onto the love they had fought so hard to win, that what they shared was worth any sacrifice they had to make. But John Paul couldn't tell them those things because, like all ghosts, they faded away under the stark light of reality. Those teenage boys had made their choice and John Paul knew that at least one of them had lived to regret it.

John Paul turned from the door to look back along the corridor that led to the outside world. It felt dark and soulless. Several identical doorways positioned at random intervals, pathways into other peoples lives distinct only by the small silver number fixed at the top of each door. The floor was covered in what was probably once a brightly coloured carpet, but the years of wear had dulled it as the many residents of the building had passed over its surface on the way to their homes, some only temporary and some more long term.

The door at the end of the corridor was a darkly painted wooden frame with a glass window at its centre whose sparkle had long since been lost under years of grime.

John Paul suddenly felt very claustrophobic. There were too many variables, to many what ifs and he was no longer sure he could do something as simple as knock on the door. What if Craig didn't want to know any more? It had been months since his text at Christmas, what if Craig had taken John Paul's lack of response as a rejection and moved on? What if Craig didn't even live there now? This was the flat that they had planned to move to together but there was no guarantee that Craig hadn't moved again since then, he could have moved into student accommodation, found a new flat with new friends… found a new flat with a new lover…

Closing his eyes John Paul took a deep steadying breath and the image of Jacqui suddenly filled his mind. She was smiling as he placed his overnight bag on the back seat of the taxi.

"Am I doing the right thing Jac?" John Paul had asked nervously.

"D'you still love him?" It was a simple question, with an equally simple answer.

"Yeah… as much as I ever did… but it wasn't enough then… what if it still isn't."

"Tell me one thing John Paul," Jacqui's tone had been calm but the force of her gaze held John Paul pinned to the spot. "If you could go back and change things… would you have gone to Dublin with him?"

John Paul's hands were trembling as he looked back at the door to the flat that should have been his home. Craig could be in there at that very moment and if he didn't have the courage to knock and find out then maybe he didn't deserve Craig anyway.

Raising his hand John Paul let his knuckles connect firmly with the wood, listening to the solid echo of his knock and holding his breath as, after a few moments, the sound of a lock being unfastened could be heard.

The door seemed to open at an indeterminately slow pace. A beam of light illuminated at its edge as the gap between the door and its housing gradually increased until it was wide enough for the occupant of the flat to clearly observe his visitor.

"John Paul?" Craig gasped the word, shaking his head as if he might be dreaming; a dream that Craig had had many times before, dreaming of the moment when John Paul would appear at his door. "What… how…?"

Craig's hand fell from the edge of the door as he almost staggered backwards.

John Paul decided to take this as an invitation to enter and he gingerly stepped over the threshold, closing the door behind him.

"You did say you'd love to see me in Dublin?" John Paul said with a half smile as he tried to gauge Craig's reaction to his sudden presence.

"What?" Craig's brain struggled to process the information that was bombarding it but only one fact seemed to want to get through. John Paul was in Dublin. John Paul had come to Dublin. John Paul was here. John Paul…

Craig looked at the two bright blue eyes that were observing him. Eyes that had haunted his dreams and followed him in his waking hours. The memory of their beauty, of how they looked at him with such love had been both a comfort and a torment to him and now, seeing them again, Craig wasn't sure what he was supposed to do or how he was supposed to feel.

"In your text…" John Paul said with a small step forward. "You said you'd love to see me in Dublin." Craig looked as gorgeous as he remembered. The man's dark eyes were just as deep and his soft pink lips just as full. It was taking all of John Paul's restraint not to grab the man there and then, but there was a wariness in Craig's eyes that gave John Paul pause.

"In my text?" Craig repeated. "In my text that I sent at Christmas?" Craig voice rose slightly. "A text that you couldn't even be bothered replying to?"

John Paul could hear the growing anger in Craig's voice and he knew he deserved it, just like Craig deserved an explanation; unfortunately John Paul wasn't sure he had one.

"It… it wasn't that simple… I didn't know what to say." John Paul stammered.

"How about Happy Christmas… or I miss you… or anything… anything would have done John Paul… didn't I at least deserve some kind of recognition?" Craig's mood had changed from stunned silence to outright anger in the space of a few minutes and, as much as he wanted to grab hold of John Paul and kiss him deeply, he also wanted to punch him, over and over, until his blood obscured that beautiful face.

"I'm sorry," John Paul replied quietly. "I didn't… I couldn't… I was scared Craig… I was scared of what getting in touch with you would mean… I didn't know if I could handle it."

"And you think it was easy for me? Sending that text after months of silence? You think I didn't wonder if I was doing the right thing? But at least I made the effort… at least I cared enough to give a fuck!"

"I did care," John Paul insisted and, taking the few steps that separated him from Craig, he gently rested his hand on the man's shoulder. "I DO care… why else d'you think I'm here?"

Craig relished the warmth of John Paul's touch for a second, the old familiar feelings raging through his chest. Love, hurt, desperation, anger, betrayal, need, desire, so many emotions were awoken by one touch that Craig had to shrug the hand off and turn away in a vain hope that they would stop. After months Craig had finally taught himself how to lock away all of those feeling and he had managed to move on as if they never existed. He couldn't let John Paul bring them all back now. It was too hard. It always cost too much.

"I don't know why you're here," Craig said, "And it doesn't matter… I can't go there again… I can't do it John Paul… it's too hard… we tried and we failed and you walked away." Turning back to face the man he didn't want to love Craig took a deep breath. "You should have stayed away… there's nothing for you in Dublin… not anymore."

"You don't mean that…" John Paul's voice broke and his soft blue eyes filled with tears. "Please Craig… I love you… I never stopped loving you."

"But it wasn't enough remember?" Craig's hands balled to fists at his side to stop himself from reaching up to brush away John Paul's tears. "You deserved more… so go and find it… cause it isn't here… please John Paul just go."

John Paul stood unblinking as each of Craig's words smashed into his chest. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Craig's eyes had gone so cold and John Paul felt a wave of guilt as he realised he was responsible for stealing the warmth from them.

"Get out!" Craig shouted, wrenching the door open and pushing John Paul through.

The door slammed closed behind him and John Paul was left alone and breathless in the dark dingy corridor, uncertain of where he was supposed to go or what he was supposed to do. Leaning against one of the grimy walls John Paul closed his eyes and wept.

Resting his head against the cool wood of the door Craig tried to steady his breathing. How had that just happened? What gave John Paul the right to turn up like that after so long? To show up at Craig's door and make Craig feel everything that he'd tried so hard to forget. Craig was doing fine without John Paul in his life. He didn't need him anymore. He didn't want him. He couldn't let him leave.

John Paul's head snapped up as he heard the door of Craig's flat being flung open and the dark haired man charged towards him like a wild animal.

For a second John Paul felt afraid, as if he was about to become the victim of a vicious attack. But as Craig came to a standstill before him John Paul saw that it wasn't anger or violence that shone in Craig's eyes, it was something much deeper and far more powerful. Love.

"Don't go," Craig said quietly and with a hint of uncertainty. "Not this time."

"I'll stay," John Paul replied, "If that's what you want."

Craig's mouth pressed hard against the delicious sweetness of John Paul's lips as he pushed the man against the wall with the weight of his body. John Paul's arms wrapped tightly around Craig's waist as the kiss he hadn't dared hope for intensified second upon second until their desperate moans mingled inside the heat of their mouths.

"I want you," Craig gasped breathlessly, "I always want you."

Craig's kisses became frantic and hungry. He had been denied the taste and the feel of John Paul for so long that his senses reeled as his tongue plunged the depths of the younger man's mouth awaking every ounce of emotion that he had tried to suppress.

Pulling at John Paul's belt Craig fought for access, moaning with frustration as warm soft hands restrained him.

"Craig… Craig wait…" John Paul gasped breathlessly as Craig seemed to fight against him, desperate to claim possession of his body.

"No John Paul you want this," Craig insisted, until a creeping doubt assaulted his mind and he turned his eyes to John Paul's needing to see the look of desire that used to be there. "You do want this don't you?"

"Of course I do," John Paul replied with a warm laugh. "I want YOU Craig… I love you… but possibly not in the corridor!"

The reality of their location came back to Craig with a jolt as he looked around him. As intense as his desire for John Paul was Craig had to concede that it was probably a reunion that his neighbours didn't need to be a party to.

Grabbing John Paul's hand Craig almost dragged him back into the flat, barely pausing long enough to close the door before pulling him into the bedroom. With a forceful shove John Paul was toppled onto the bed, the weight of Craig pressing down on top of him before he even caught his breath.

Craig seemed to be trying to devour John Paul as he kissed the man with desperation, his urgent moans vibrating through John Paul's mouth as hands valiantly sought out bare flesh.

In a tumble of bodies and entangled limbs clothing was somehow pulled over heads and pushed down over ankles with grunts of frustration should any items stubbornly refuse to move fast enough. Finally, thankfully, clothing was eventually relegated to the floor and the two men revelled in the heat of each other's naked bodies as they pressed together tightly, their matching arousals pushing together causing moans to echo around the small room.

Craig's mouth began a ravenous journey over John Paul's flesh, consuming its exotic flavour as his tongue trailed hotly downwards. His desire for John Paul was far greater than he could ever remember it being before. He didn't know if it was because they had been apart for so long, or because John Paul had come for him, chosen to come back for him, or maybe it was simply because he had been trying to hide his need for the beautiful man for so long that having him in his arms again was too much to contain, but whatever the reason the furious nature of Craig's worship of John Paul's body made the blonde man shake with uncontrollable lust.

Craig let his teeth nip at John Paul's firm nipples, enjoying the whimper of pleasured pain as he bit into the flesh, sucking it into his mouth.

John Paul's fingers curled into Craig's hair, clawing at the man's scalp as his mouth moved lower, making John Paul groan in anticipation as the warmth of Craig's mouth covered his belly before stopping at the head of his fully engorged cock.

"Oh god Craig…" John Paul's voice shook as Craig let the heat of his breath caress John Paul's erection. Raising his eyes Craig smiled as he saw the look of total abandon on his lovers face. He knew with that one look that John Paul was his completely, just like he knew that he had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted that man.

John Paul cried out, gripping Craig's head tighter and pulling at his hair as the man's mouth devoured his cock in one swift motion.

Craig's need was too strong, too desperate, he couldn't wait another second to feel the fullness of John Paul's thick cock pushing to the back of his throat, to taste the drops of precum that cried from its tip and to hear the moans of pleasure that growled deeply from John Paul's chest.

Sucking deeply Craig swirled his tongue around the hard cock in his mouth, teasing it and tempting it until John Paul's whole body shuddered with unbridled passion. The feel of John Paul in his mouth, the taste of him, the scent of him and the sound of him was something Craig had tried so hard to forget and tried so often to recreate. But the reality of John Paul was so much more than the memories had been, so much greater than any substitutes and Craig wanted to drink in every last drop of the man's essence, to give him the pleasure that was always so much sweeter when it was between the two of them.

Slipping his fingers into the corner of his mouth Craig coated them with saliva before pushing them gently between John Paul's buttocks. John Paul raised his hips slightly to allow Craig easier access to his most intimate opening, moaning loudly as his tight ring of muscle was firmly breached, Craig's fingers pushing firmly, urgently inside him.

All sense of reason or conscious thought had long since deserted John Paul and his entire being seemed consumed by the pleasures that Craig bestowed upon his body. The hot mouth and tempting tongue stimulating his throbbing cock perfectly and the deep penetration of one, two and then three fingers made his body ache for more causing him to push back against Craig's hand in an attempt to force the man deeper.

The feel of John Paul's tight body hotly gripping his fingers and his firm cock thrusting deeply into his mouth left Craig's own cock in urgent need of attention but he ignored his own need for satisfaction as he felt John Paul being pushed closer and closer to release.

"Oh fuck… Christ Craig… I… oh god…" Exclamations of desire tumbled from John Paul's mouth as he arched his back, pushing his cock deeper into Craig's throat as the man's fingers plundered his body with expertise, stroking against the one perfect spot that he had no resistance against.

With loud cries John Paul's whole body shook violently as his cock pulsed wave after wave of hot satisfaction down Craig's throat. Craig sucked against the throbbing member in his mouth, pulling every last drop of the man's climax into him until John Paul's body fell limply back against the bed.

Placing a hand either side of John Paul's hips Craig slowly climbed his way back to the man's face. His mouth was hot as it pressed against John Paul's lips and John Paul kissed him with hunger, sucking the taste of himself from his lovers tongue.

Lifting himself up on his hands Craig looked down on the gentle feature of the man below him. He had never seen anything so breathtakingly beautiful before in his life and he felt transfixed by the passionate loving gaze from John Paul's stunning sapphire eyes.

It wasn't until John Paul reached down to stroke Craig's still hard and throbbing erection that Craig was able to tear himself away from the mesmerising look, moaning softly as John Paul's hand ran the length of his cock.

"John Paul…"

"I want you…"

"God I…"

Craig ability to speak was stolen from him as John Paul's fingers brushed over the head of his cock, smearing the precum in slowly enticing circles as Craig fell back to his knees, positioned between John Paul's firm thighs.

Pushing John Paul's legs back Craig moaned as his cock was guided towards that tight entrance that he longed to possess. With a gentle but forceful push John Paul's flesh was once again breeched, both men crying out as Craig's cock sank deeply into the heat of John Paul's body.

Craig's mouth sought out John Paul's as he began to rock into the man's flesh. John Paul's body gripped him so tightly and his arousal was so intense that Craig knew he wouldn't last long. John Paul's legs wrapped around Craig's back as he raised his hips, pushing himself up to meet each of Craig's thrusts, urging the man on harder and faster, his fingers clawing at Craig's back as their tongues battled for supremacy inside the furnace of their kiss.

Breaking from the kiss Craig buried his face into John Paul's neck as his body moved faster and faster, his pants and moans mingling together as his cock demanded release.

John Paul pulled Craig closed to him as he felt the man begin to shudder, his moans muffled against John Paul's skin as he came. The heat of his climax pulsing deeply into John Paul's body until his worship of that beautiful flesh was complete.

Craig fell to John Paul's side with satisfied exhaustion, turning his face to one side he saw the brightness of the love shining from John Paul's eyes and for the first time in so many months Craig felt truly alive.

"I've missed you so much," John Paul said as he opened his arms to Craig.

"I've missed you too," Craig replied, snuggling into John Paul's warm embrace and resting his head against the man's chest.

For some time the two men lay in silent contentment, the need for talking would come but for now all they needed was to hold each other and remember what it was that they had almost lost.


	2. Chapter 2

John Paul hadn't realised that he had fallen asleep. He didn't know that the seductive arms of slumber had claimed him, wrapping him in comfort as securely as he had wrapped Craig in his arms.

It wasn't until an irritating repetitive noise clawed its way into his mind that sleep finally gave up its claim of John Paul and the man opened his eyes sleepily as Craig reached across him to pick up his phone and silence the message alert that had disturbed their peace.

With drowsy eyes Craig accessed his message, suddenly sitting bolt upright as the last tendrils of sleep fell from him and the words on his phone brought reality back into startling focus.

He had forgotten. It wasn't that he had chosen to ignore, he had actually forgotten. What kind of a person did that? What kind of a man was he that the kiss of John Paul could drive all other considerations from him?

"Craig… is everything alright?" John Paul raised himself upright and placed a hand on Craig's should. "What is it?"

With a shrug Craig dislodged the warm hand from his shoulder. It felt too right there and he knew that he was powerless against John Paul's touch.

"You have to go," Craig said, quickly forcing the words from his mouth before he could change his mind. John Paul's soft blue eyes filled with confusion and Craig had to look away. "I'm sorry I just… you shouldn't be here… you can't be here…"

"Craig what is it?" John Paul asked trying to pull the man back as he got up from the bed. "Please I don't understand…" John Paul's eyes fell to Craig's mobile where it lay on the bed as Craig quickly pulled on his jeans. Craig had received a text and everything had changed, instantly. What could one message say that would make Craig want to make him leave?

The realisation his John Paul with full force and he gasped for air as surely as if he had been punched in the stomach.

"Oh god… you're seeing someone…"

"I'm sorry," Craig said with genuine regret in his eyes. "I should have said but I…" He had forgotten. He had actually forgotten. From the very second that John Paul had knocked on his door Craig had forgotten that anyone else even existed.

"I can't believe it…" John Paul said shaking his head. "Why didn't you tell me? I mean I…" John Paul couldn't think. Craig had someone else, John Paul's fears were proved true after all, and the worst part of it was that John Paul couldn't even blame the man. John Paul knew that his own silence had contributed to Craig's need to find comfort elsewhere, in another Sarah.

"Please John Paul… you have to go… please." The urgency in Craig's voice rose with each passing second and John Paul realised that the man was expecting a visitor any moment.

"She's coming over isn't she?" Craig didn't answer as John Paul pulled his clothes on. How familiar was this situation? John Paul McQueen, the dirty secret being rushed out of the flat before the girlfriend arrived.

"Craig please don't do this…" John Paul gripped the older man's shoulders, forcing him to look at John Paul. "I love you Craig… and you love me… Don't send me away… not like this…"

"I can't… I don't…" Craig pulled himself from John Paul's hold, removing himself from that touch as quickly as he could. "Please John Paul…. I can't let him find you here…"

One word leapt out at John Paul, echoing over and over in his head, changing everything, everything he thought he knew, everything that he thought was true.

"Him?"

John Paul knew he was being ridiculous. What did it matter if Craig had been seeing a man or a woman surely the outcome was the same? But somehow it did matter. How many times had Craig insisted he wasn't gay? How many times had he sworn that it was only John Paul… only ever John Paul?

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to… but after you I…" Craig couldn't do it. He couldn't face the look of hurt in John Paul's eyes so he turned and fled the room.

Pulling on the rest of his clothes John Paul made his way back into the living room where Craig was standing, fidgeting on the spot, his eyes constantly flicking to the door in anticipation of a knock.

"Craig…" John Paul's voice was soft and pleading making it impossible for Craig not to look at him. "Is this really the way you want things?"

"You left me," Craig said quietly. "What was I supposed to do? Wait forever?"

"No, of course not… but… I'm here now…"

"What? And now I'm supposed to drop everything… drop Lee just because you decide?" Craig realised that being angry made it easier, made pushing John Paul away easier.

John Paul flinched. Craig had given his boyfriend a name, somehow that made the situation more real, more painful.

"Do you love him?" Every fibre of John Paul's being begged Craig to say no.

"Does it matter?" Craig snapped, "I loved you… look where that got me…"

"Loved?"

"Love… loved… what difference does it make? Why did you have to come here John Paul? I was…"

"Happy?"

"Getting by… moving on…"

"Forgetting me?" John Paul's hand touched Craig's cheek gently but the man leapt back as if he'd been slapped.

"No," the word was hardly a whisper.

"Replacing me? Finding another man to keep your bed warm?" John Paul tried not to sound bitter but he couldn't keep the harsh edge from his voice and his accusing tone made Craig angry.

"Well isn't that what you wanted?" Craig half shouted, half sobbed. "Craig Dean to finally admit he might just be gay? Well look where that got us… happy now?"

"Do I look happy?"

Craig turned his eyes to John Paul. No he didn't look happy. He looked beautiful, breathtaking, stunning, he looked a million different things but happy wasn't one of them.

"You have to go." Craig's words were flat, defeated, he felt lost as he slowly drowned in his own confusion.

"So you keep saying…"

"But you're still here…"

"Tell me that you don't love me and I'll go."

"You're not being fair…"

"And you are?"

"Please John Paul," Craig pleaded, "If you still care about me… then do this one thing for me…"

"That's cheap… you know how much I care for you…"

"Then go… when I ask you to…"

"Where Craig? Where do I go?"

"Go home… go back to the world that you belong to… I don't think… I'm not… We're not… we're too late John Paul… what we had… it's gone…"

John Paul turned to the door, the metal handle felt cold in his grip as he looked back at Craig one last time. It was a shock as John Paul realised that the Craig he knew wasn't in there now, the older man's eyes were expressionless as if all emotion had been drained from them.

"I'm not sorry I came here," John Paul said quietly as he pulled open the front door. "I've never stopped loving you Craig… I never will."

"Goodbye John Paul," Craig breathed as the door closed and the blonde man was gone. "I love you too."

John Paul was half way down the gloomy corridor when the door leading to the outside world was flung open.

John Paul knew who he was instinctively. He had thick jet-black hair that rested just below his collar and curled softly around his ears. His eyes seemed almost as dark as his hair and, although it was hard to tell in the subdued light, his skin seemed to glow with a rich tan. Lee… that was Lee.

As he reached the door to the street John Paul hesitated. Looking back he saw the door to Craig's flat open again and Lee stepped inside, pulling Craig into his arms even before the door closed.

A moment before his door settled firmly into its housing Craig looked along the corridor to see John Paul standing desolately at the end.

"YOU left ME," Craig thought to himself, wanting to glean some satisfaction from the hurt in John Paul's eyes. But all Craig felt was loss, and the heat of Lee's mouth against his lips did nothing to take it away.

---

John Paul had been walking for almost ten minutes before he realised he didn't know where he was going. The splendours of Dublin had gone unnoticed as the man wandered through the city streets, his head hanging down and his feet dragging on the ground as if being held down by lead weights.

He had originally taken a taxi to Craig's flat and John Paul knew that he could just as easily get one back to his bed and breakfast, or even back to the airport.

He could. But he didn't.

John Paul needed a drink, several drinks, several strong drinks. He needed to drink until the sharp pain in his chest was dulled and the memory of Craig in another mans arms was bleached from his mind. Thankfully John Paul was in Dublin, and one thing that city had in abundance was pubs.

It wasn't long before John Paul was stood ordering a double whiskey in a bar he hadn't even noticed the name of. He didn't know what colour the carpet was, what was hung on the walls or even how many other customers were present. John Paul did know, however, when his drink was placed in front of him and grabbed for it with desperation. The golden liquid was swallowed in a single gulp, making John Paul gasp as its heat scorched its way down his throat to settle like molten fire in his belly.

"Another." He said banging the empty glass on the bar.

The barman looked at John Paul sympathetically as he measured out another double.

The second drink was consumed as quickly as the first, causing another gasp but still not quenching the aching pain in John Paul's chest.

"Again."

"Woman trouble?" The barman asked as he refilled the glass for a third time. John Paul lifted his eyes from the shine of the wooden bar to actually take a moment to look at the man addressing him. The barman smiled with a gentle understanding that made John Paul want to reach over the bar and thump him. What did he know of John Paul's life?

"What?" John Paul replied in a harsh clipped tone.

The barman ran one hand over his pale blonde hair as he placed John Paul's drink down.

"It's just… I've worked here a while… and normally – when a bloke orders three double whiskies on the run… it's woman trouble!"

The barman smiled kindly. His eyes were a gentle pale hue. Blue? Green? It didn't matter and John Paul didn't care.

"If I wanted to talk I'd go and see a counsellor," John Paul snapped, draining the third double whiskey and slowly appreciating the numbing effects as it flowed through his veins. "As it is I'm in a pub… so just get me another double yeah? And a pint of lager if that's not too much trouble."

The barman nodded and went to fulfil John Paul's order. He had worked in that bar, and others like it, for many years. His youthful looks belied his thirty plus years and his bright, lively eyes had seen many men like the young blonde who now stood at the bar. Some men would come into the bar for a drink wanting a sympathetic shoulder and an understanding ear, while other merely needed to drink and be left alone. The barman was in no doubt into which category John Paul fitted.

Paying for his drinks John Paul downed the fourth double whiskey before taking his pint and weaving over to an empty table by the window. He hadn't really wanted the lager but John Paul felt the need of a drink to hold, to nurse, as he looked out onto the unfamiliar streets and tried to understand what had happened.

Craig had been happy to see him, he had. Hadn't he? No of course he had. They'd kissed, held each other, made love. And that's what it had been, making love. Not just sex, not a moment of sordid pleasure, it was love, at least John Paul had thought it was.

Of course Craig was angry at first, John Paul expected that, understood it but then… then they remembered… they reconnected and everything was right, everything was perfect. It was Craig and John Paul, like it had always been, like it always should be.

Except for one slight flaw. There was no Craig and John Paul anymore it seemed. Now it was Craig and Lee. John Paul took a deep drink as he tried to wash the memory of the man's name from his mouth but the bitter aftertaste lingered long after the lager had been swallowed.

Craig had moved on, found someone else, worse than that, he had found another man. How had that beautiful dream turned so quickly into a nightmare? Raising his glass to his lips John Paul drained the last of the lager from it, momentarily surprised that he had finished the drink so fast, entirely unaware that he had been sat brooding and sipping at his pint for almost twenty minutes.

John Paul let out a low pitiful sigh. He had arrived in Dublin full of hopes and quickly watched as they were destroyed before him. The large quantity of whiskey running through his body was having a soporific effect and John Paul felt his eyelids growing heavy.

For a moment John Paul felt the comfort of the darkness, the sounds of the bar buzzed around his head without registering any meaning in his brain and, for a split second, the pain seemed to be numbed. And then, his foggy brain conjured up images of Craig. Craig smiling at him, holding out his arms, beckoning him and wanting him. John Paul felt the corners of his mouth curve into a smile at the sight of the man waiting for him but, as John Paul tried to move towards him, Craig turned and walked away. John Paul tried to call out but no sound would come. John Paul tried to run after him but his feet refused to move. And then, just as John Paul's frustration hit fever point, Craig stopped and looked back with a smile that had always said "I love you." John Paul felt his heart grow light as Craig's rich chocolate eyes sparkled with desire. It was then that John Paul realised Craig wasn't looking at him; he was looking past him, beyond him, thorough him, as if John Paul wasn't even there. Turning to look around John Paul saw a man with jet-black hair approaching at a rapid pace. Within seconds he had scooped Craig into his arms and John Paul could do nothing but watch as the men embraced.

The sound of shattering pulled John Paul back into consciousness and he looked down in bewilderment at the shards of broken glass that lay in his lacerated palm.

"Shit, are you alright?" The fair-haired barman appeared, as if from nowhere, his pale eyes filled with concern as a dark pool of blood began to form on the table.

"It's nothing… forget it," John Paul slurred dismissively. He was vaguely aware that the deep cuts across his hand didn't hurt and he looked at them with puzzlement. A large piece of glass was embedded into his skin and John Paul gripped it between his thumb and forefinger, pulling it out swiftly and watching as the blood began to ooze from the wound it left behind.

"Come on… we're getting you to casualty," the barman insisted.

"No… really… I'm fine…"

"You are NOT fine." Wrapping a tea towel around John Paul's bleeding hand the barman pulled the man uncertainly to his feet. "Now stop arguing with me."

John Paul wavered slightly, his bleary eyes fighting to focus on the gentle smile of the man before him.

"Why do you even care?" John Paul asked with uncertainty as the barman started to lead him towards the exit.

"It's my job OK," the barman replied with a laugh. "I get in trouble when patrons bleed to death on my shift… now come on, my cars just out the back, and please keep that cloth in place, I don't want you bleeding all over the upholstery."

---

"So did you miss me?" Lee asked as he threw himself onto the sofa, pulling Craig down after him.

"Course I did," Craig said with a smile as he stared into the depths of Lee's dark eyes. He tried, in vain, not to compare them with John Paul's, as he knew no good could come from that line of thinking. But still he couldn't help but remember how bright and gentle the blue of John Paul's eyes were compared to the dark and sometimes frightening shade that gleamed in Lee's.

"Good… cause I missed you." Lee brushed his thumb feather-soft across Craig's cheek, following the curve around until his hand slid to the back of Craig's neck where his fingers played gently against Craig's skin. "I missed you like crazy… I'm never going away for a week without you again."

Lee's kiss began softly, his lips pressing against Craig's as he pulled the man tightly into his arms, but the intensity quickly increased as his tongue explored the heat of Craig's mouth, tasting every inch that had been denied him for the past seven days.

Craig sank into the familiar warmth of Lee's kiss, pressing himself hard against Lee's firm toned chest as he tried to lose himself in the passion that had always burned between them. Lee's kiss grew harder and more hungry as his hands fought to gain access to the soft warmth of Craig's skin, his moans vibrating lightly into Craig's mouth.

John Paul had the most beautiful blue eyes Craig had ever seen. Nothing else had ever compared to the passion and love that could be contained in those two sapphire pools.

Craig pulled back from Lee with a sudden gasp. What the hell was he doing thinking about John Paul when he was with his boyfriend? A wave of guilt assaulted Craig and he had to turn his face away in shame as Lee reached out to him with concern.

"Craig… Craig what's wrong?"

"I… it's nothing… I just… I… perhaps I had too much to drink last night… still feeling a bit rough." Craig's words tumbled over each other as the lie slipped from his mouth.

"Last night?" Lee asked, tilting his head to one side and raising an eyebrow. "Where did you go last night?"

Craig bit his lip and silently cursed himself. Of all the lies he could have made up what possessed him to choose that one.

"I didn't… I mean… I… just went to the local… you know… for a couple…"

"But you just said you'd drank too much… so either you had a couple or you drank too much… which one is it?"

Getting to his feet Craig rubbed furiously at the back of his neck. This wasn't going well, not well at all. Why did John Paul have to turn up anyway? Everything was fine before he showed up. Well OK maybe not fine but Craig was coping, getting by, he was doing alright and alright is still better than nothing isn't it?

"Ok… maybe I had more than a couple… but you know… I was missing you…" Craig turned his gaze to Lee, his smile fighting with his heart and losing miserably.

"So who else was there?" Lee asked as he got to his feet and took the few steps that brought him close to Craig.

"No one."

"No one? So the whole pub was empty but for you?" Lee trailed one finger slowly down Craig's chest as he spoke.

"Well no… of course not… I mean… just no one I knew… no one to talk to… I was on my own… honestly…" Craig tensed as Lee's finger travelled back up his chest to come to rest under his chin. He could hear the lies in his own voice and felt certain that Lee must have been able to hear them too.

"Just you… on your own… missing me?" Lee passed his fingertip over Craig's lips as he spoke, feeling the warmth and softness of them against his skin. He loved those lips, that mouth, what it could do, how it could make him feel and the thought that anyone else could ever be kissing it, filling it, was unbearable.

"Just me," Craig assured him, turning his face to kiss at the hand that was now resting against his cheek.

Craig gasped as the air rushed from his lungs, forced quickly from him as his back collided with the wall.

"You wouldn't lie to me would you Craig? If you were there with someone else…" Lee said in a calm voice that belied the violence flashing deeply in his eyes.

Craig froze, unable to move and unable to speak. He knew if he tensed up it would make things worse. He knew if he argued it would make things worse. He knew if he said nothing it would make things worse.

_Craig could still remember that first time, vividly, as if it happened only days rather than months ago. They had been out drinking, laughing and partying with friends. The night had been perfect and Craig had felt alive and cared for, the first time he had really felt that way since leaving England._

_He had been talking non-stop about some nonsense or other as he opened the front door, but the second the door closed Lee had grabbed him by the front of his shirt and thrown him hard against the wall. For a moment Craig had thought this was some form of rough foreplay but the look in Lee's eyes had quickly told a different tale._

"_I saw you," Lee had snarled viciously._

"_Saw me what?"_

"_Flirting… with that bloke… I saw him follow you into the toilets… did you shag him there or have you arranged to meet him when I'm not around?"_

"_I don't know what you're…"_

_That had been the first time Lee hit him. The punch had connected swiftly with Craig's stomach, leaving the man doubled over and gasping for air._

"_Don't lie to me," Lee had warned as he walked away. "Don't you ever lie to me because I'll always know."_

Craig could see that look building in Lee's eyes again. But he couldn't tell the truth, not this time; he couldn't risk what Lee might do to him, or worse, what he might do to John Paul.

"Honestly Lee," Craig said softly, reaching out a hand to stroke the man's cheek. "You know there's nobody for me but you… I could never find any better than you… why would I even try?"

"If you ever…" The threat was still heavy in Lee's voice but Craig could see the anger in his eyes starting to fade.

"I wouldn't…"

"Oh Craig…" Lee gently covered Craig's face with soft kisses. "You know I only get so angry because I love you…"

"I know…"

Lee ran his hands down the length of Craig's arms, curling his fingers tightly around his boyfriends as he moved in the direction of the bedroom.

"Come on… let me show you how much I love you."

Craig relaxed as he allowed Lee to lead him into the bedroom. He knew their relationship wasn't perfect and he knew that he should probably walk away.

But Craig also knew that it wouldn't be that easy, not any more.

And at least he had someone. It was better than being lonely. It was better than being alone, wasn't it?

John Paul had the most beautiful blue eyes Craig had ever seen. Nothing else had ever compared to the passion and love that could be contained in those two sapphire pools.


	3. Chapter 3

John Paul was surprised by how quickly the effects of the whiskey seemed to desert him. The comforting numbness it had instilled had all too soon faded and he couldn't decide which hurt more, the pain in his hand or the one in his chest.

The fair haired barman had sat with John Paul for an hour, until he had been called through to triage, when the man had offered a smile of reassurance and a friendly squeeze to the arm. Despite everything John Paul had been grateful for such simple gestures, some slight indication that someone still cared, even Craig it felt as if no longer did.

John Paul winced at the thought, making the junior doctor who was stitching his hand apologise and offer more anaesthetic. John Paul declined the suggestion with a smile and a shake of his head. The pain he was feeling had nothing to do with the sharp needle that was being pushed through his skin to close his wounds together.

He didn't understand, it was as simple as that. When Craig had been holding him and kissing him John Paul was so certain that the man in his arms shared the love he was feeling. And then it was gone. With no warning and no explanation Craig seemed to turn cold, the fire and passion in his eyes that had smouldered so wildly had been extinguished by something that John Paul couldn't comprehend.

Was it possible that Craig had only slept with him out of some sort of cruel revenge? Making him think that what they had once shared could be saved only to taunt him with the knowledge that he had been so easily replaced. Had John Paul forced Craig into becoming such a person by walking away, by his silence and by making Craig think he'd given up?

John Paul closed his eyes to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from them. Had he really damaged what he had once had with Craig Dean so completely, so irreversibly?

John Paul hardly heard what the doctor said to him as he was discharged. He just wanted to get out, get away, but he had no idea where to go.

---

Craig looked down on the face of the man sleeping beside him. Lee's thick black hair seemed to shimmer brightly in the soft glow of the bedrooms subdued lighting. The duvet lay crumpled near his waist, giving Craig a perfect view of the man's firmly toned chest as it rose and fell with the breaths of his slumber.

Touching his fingertips lightly to Lee's skin Craig noticed how much paler his colouring was compared to the rich deep tan of his lover, just like John Paul's skin always looked so very fair against Craig's. Craig shook his head to try and dislodge the image and thoughts of John Paul from his mind, they had no place there and Craig shouldn't be thinking of another man while he was lying in bed with his boyfriend.

Lee mumbled lightly in his sleep, his head turning to face Craig and a soft smile flickering over his lips. There was no denying how handsome Lee was. He had the kind of sculpted looks that belonged to a Hollywood movie star and it always surprised Craig that such a man would have chosen someone as plain and ordinary as him.

Craig had often seen the admiring looks, from both women and men, when they entered a room together and he had to admit that he enjoyed the flashes of jealousy that would glint in their eyes. But then the people who envied what Craig had with Lee had no idea of what else came with such a relationship.

Watching Lee's gentle features as he slept Craig found it hard to reconcile that man with the one who would get so angry when Craig did something wrong and would sometimes strike him in a valiant attempt to show Craig the error of his ways.

The first time it had happened Craig had been shocked, both by the fact that he would allow himself to be hit but also that Lee could turn so violent so quickly. If such a thing had ever happened to one of his sisters Craig would have been the first to tell them to get away, and quickly. This was different however. It wasn't that Lee was cruel or that he wanted to hurt Craig. Lee had explained so many times how hitting Craig hurt him just as much, but sometimes Craig just needed showing. There were so many occasions that Craig hadn't realised what he was doing until Lee let him know later how wrong he'd been. He didn't know he'd been flirting with that man or looking too closely at that woman. He didn't know that he'd made the tea too sweet or that the toast was too burnt. Craig didn't know and so Lee had to teach him. Because Lee loved him. It was an act of love.

---

"How you feeling?"

John Paul's eyes widened in surprise, he had expected the barman to leave once he'd been taken for treatment. He knew he'd been a while as he'd had x-rays taken to ensure no pieces of glass were left embedded in his hand before his cuts could be stitched, and yet the fair-haired man was still waiting as John Paul walked through reception.

"Yeah… thanks… turns out I'll live." John Paul replied with a smile. "You didn't have to wait you know…"

The barman shrugged his shoulders as he got to his feet. "I had nothing better to do," he said simply before holding out his hand. "I never introduced myself… I'm Liam."

John Paul reached out his own hand before stopping with a smile at the bandages that covered it.

"Yeah maybe shaking your hand isn't a good idea just at the moment," Liam said with a laugh.

"Probably not," John Paul agreed. "But I'm… John Paul… and look thanks… for… you know… bringing me here and waiting…"

"Really, don't mention it," Liam said kindly. "So… d'you need a lift home?"

Home. Such a simple word and yet it could mean so much. In his head John Paul thought of home as Hollyoaks. The house that was filled with noise and commotion, that echoed with and life and love. That was home wasn't it? But it hadn't felt like home so much over the past few months. There had been a cold emptiness. In his heart John Paul knew that it wasn't the house that felt that way; it was a feeling that followed John Paul wherever he went, even to Dublin.

"John Paul?" Liam's voice broke into the man's thoughts. "Lift home?"

"I... erm… I'm just visiting," John Paul stammered, "I'm staying at a B&B."

"B&B it is then," Liam replied with a nod. "Unless…"

"Unless?"

"Well… I dunno… we could grab a drink if you like… I imagine after all that whiskey you knocked back today you could probably go a coffee about now."

John Paul laughed softly. He had to admit that his throat was screaming out liquid but more than that, he just didn't want to be alone, not yet.

"A drink would be great," John Paul answered. "But I'd prefer tea."

---

Craig lay on his back staring at the ceiling as he tried to reconcile the events of the day.

His body ached from physical exertion as he stretched out his limbs. Sex with Lee had always been good, right from the very first time the man seemed to know exactly where and how to touch Craig in a way that made his body tremble as he begged for more. But as much as Craig tried to deny it, lying in the stillness of the room with Lee by his side, Craig had to admit that it was only ever sex. True it felt good, hell most of the time it felt amazing as Lee made him climax so hard he almost forgot his own name, but it was still only sex.

A few hours earlier Craig had been holding John Paul in that very bed as they made love. That was the difference. With John Paul he had always made love. It was a connection that went far beyond merely physical. They had made love not only with their bodies but also with their minds and with their hearts and as their bodies joined together so did their souls.

Turning his head Craig looked at Lee. He was sleeping so peacefully, he had no idea that his boyfriend had so easily cheated on him that very day. It was no wonder Lee always got so angry, Craig couldn't deny he deserved it, but it didn't quell the fear in the pit of his stomach at the thought of Lee ever finding out about John Paul. But John Paul was probably on his way back to Hollyoaks by now, far far away… and safe.

---

"So you gonna tell me about it?" Liam asked as he sipped his scalding coffee.

"About what?" John Paul asked as he let the heat from his tea burn into his hands.

"Whatever it was that made you walk into the pub and act like the world was about to end if you couldn't rid it of every last drop of whiskey!"

John Paul laughed, a laugh that sounded hollow to his ears, as he shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno… life… love…"

"Oh THOSE!!! Feel like talking about it… I'm a good listener you know… goes with the job."

"I don't know… I mean…" John Paul lifted his gaze to Liam. The man's soft gentle eyes looked at him with such kindness that it made John Paul want to talk, to tell him everything; even things that he hadn't been able to tell his family… hadn't been able to tell Craig.

"Have you ever loved somebody so completely that without them you're not even sure you really exist?" John Paul began. "But when they're around it's like… it's like you're truly alive for the first time in your life…"

Liam's eyes sparkled with understanding, but he didn't speak. There had been some truth in his words that being a good listener went with the job of barman, and over the years he had honed his skills to perfection. Liam could tell when somebody wanted reassurances and kind words, just like he could tell when they needed to talk, to say the words that needed to be said, sometimes simply to have them voiced and sometimes in the hope that vocalising their thoughts would make the understanding of them come easier.

"I had that kind of love… for a while. And I knew… for the first time I actually understood what all those cheesy love songs and poems were about… being that much in love really does make the world a better place… I knew what it meant to be happy to be… I don't know… complete… I didn't need anything else… anyone else… just the two of us and we could take on the world… we were perfect… so very perfect… and then…"

John Paul paused to look down on the shimmering surface of his tea, two sad blue eyes were reflecting back at him from the drink's surface. They had looked that way for so long now that John Paul found it hard to remember how he looked when he was happy.

"And then?" Liam prompted gently.

"I got scared and I let it fall apart… I thought… I though so many things were important that weren't… I thought so many things mattered that didn't and I let it end… I stood by and let my heart break and then I just walked away… just like that I went from having everything to having nothing… to being nothing…"

John Paul sipped slowly at his drink as he allowed the misery of the situation to envelope him. He had come to Dublin with the hopes of winning back the only love he had ever known only to find that he was too late, that he wasn't needed any more.

"So does she have a name?" Liam asked breaking the silence.

"Sorry?"

"This love that you let get away… does she have a name?"

John Paul let his mouth curl into a soft smile, it was an understandable assumption on Liam's part but John Paul couldn't help wonder if the truth would lessen the man's sympathies.

"Yeah… Craig…"

Liam nodded slowly. "Pretty name," he said in a gently teasing tone that made John Paul smile. "And this Craig… is he the reason you're in Dublin?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Pretty much… so what happened? I mean if you want to tell me… don't think I'm pushing or anything… it's just… well you look like you could do with someone to talk to…"

John Paul smiled his gratitude. If it wasn't for Liam he would have been sitting in a lonely room in an unfamiliar city so close to the only thing in life he needed and yet so far from ever being able to reach it.

"I was too late… I went to see Craig… to tell him I was wrong… that letting him go was the biggest mistake of my life and…"

"He didn't want to know?"

"I… I don't know… at first OK he was angry with me… but then…" John Paul hesitated, as understanding as Liam was being he wasn't certain just how much detail the man would want to know. "Then we… you know… and I thought everything was gonna be OK."

"But it wasn't?"

"No… he threw me out… he's met someone else… replaced me… serves me right I suppose… I left it too long… god why did I wait so long… I knew what I wanted why didn't I just let him know months ago?"

---

It was a couple of weeks into the New Year when Craig first met Lee. He had finally given up hope of receiving a reply to his Christmas text and decided the next best course of action was to go out and get drunk.

Craig had been sitting alone in the corner of the pub when the handsome dark haired stranger placed a bottle of lager before him before taking a seat across the table.

"You look like you need that," Lee said with a warm inviting smile.

"Thanks," Craig replied, uncertain why the man wanted to buy him a drink but already too drunk to care.

They had talked for several hours that night, although Craig could later recall very little of what was said and then, by the end of the evening, when Lee leaned over the table and kissed him Craig felt no reason to resist.

Somebody wanted him and if it wasn't John Paul, well at least it was somebody.

The irony of the situation wasn't lost on Craig as he kissed a virtual stranger in the middle of the pub, when he couldn't do that very same thing for John Paul at the airport a few months earlier.

Maybe Craig had changed in those few months, or maybe now he just didn't have any reason left to care.

Craig had often wondered later, if he'd known how things were to end up with Lee would he have walked away then? The painful truth was that he knew he probably wouldn't. Craig had needed to feel again and even the pain of a fist in his stomach or an arm pressing hard against his throat had to be better than the awful numbness that had become all too familiar.

---

"So you give up now do you?" Liam asked as he drained the last of his coffee from his cup.

"What else do I do?"

"Fight? Try again?" Liam suggested.

"What's the point," John Paul asked with a defeated sigh.

Liam reached across the table and held John Paul's undamaged hand tightly.

"Isn't it better to regret those things you have done rather than those you haven't?" He said firmly. "Earlier you asked if I'd ever known a love that made you feel complete… well yeah I did… I had that kind of love once as well… and just like you I let it get away from me."

"What happened?"

"I didn't think I was good enough for her… and neither did her father… so when he banned us from seeing each other I never argued… I let her go… I didn't fight… and believe me I've lived to regret it… I don't think the chance of that kind of love comes around very often… so when it does it's worth trying to hold onto it… whatever it costs…"

"What happened to her?"

"I don't know… she moved away and I never saw her again…" Liam took a deep breath and looked squarely and deeply into the soft blue eyes of the man opposite him. "John Paul I'm 34 years old and I work all the shifts I can in that pub… not because I need the money but because I'd rather be there than at home on my own… hell I'd even rather sit in casualty with a strange young man and then talk him into coming out for coffee rather than go home too soon… don't make my mistake… if he's worth fighting for… even a little bit… then do it… you might lose but at least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what if…"

Liam's words sank deeply into John Paul's mind. The one thing that he was certain of, more than anything else, was that he loved Craig so completely that nothing else mattered, and if that kind of love wasn't worth fighting for then what else in the world ever could be?

"Come on," Liam said with a smile as he got to his feet, "you look tired, time I got you back to that B&B of yours."

---

John Paul turned his face into the warmth of the sun and, taking a deep breath, he smiled. The day seemed brighter and filled with hope; even the constant aching throb of his hand did nothing to dampen his mood.

When Liam had finally dropped John Paul back at his bed and breakfast the previous evening he hadn't known how to thank the man. Not for the lift, or even for waiting at the hospital all that time, but for reminding John Paul what was important. For making him remember that some things were worth fighting for and none more so than love, none more so than his love for Craig.

John Paul didn't want to spend the rest of his life regretting his choices, always wishing that he had at least tried. There was a chance that Craig would turn him away but there was also a chance that he wouldn't. There was a chance that Lee was the great love of Craig's life but there was also a chance that he wasn't. The only thing that John Paul was certain of was that his love for Craig hadn't lessened in all the time they had been apart and Craig had to know that, he had to know how sorry John Paul was for giving up on him and he had to know that John Paul would never stop loving him, not for the rest of his days.

The door leading into the block of flats was as grimy as John Paul remembered and the greasy fingerprints that were smeared over the glass seemed to shimmer under the rays of sunlight that bounced from it. John Paul chuckled softly to himself as he imagined his mother's reaction to such a filthy pane of glass, and he could almost picture her polishing it vigorously until it shone like it must have once done, possibly many years previously.

Pushing open the outside door John Paul stepped from the bright warmth of the sun into the cool gloom of the corridor, shivering slightly as a sudden chill ran the length of his spine. There was nothing welcoming or inviting about the passageway that led to Craig's flat and John Paul felt a strange sensation of unease as he made his way quickly to Craig's door.

John Paul raised his hand and rapped his knuckles firmly against the solid wood. There was no hesitation this time. The uncertainty he had experience the day before seemed to have long since left him. There were two things in John Paul's life that he was more sure of than anything else. The first was that he loved Craig, with every fibre of his body, heart and soul. The second was that he intended to do whatever it took to convince Craig what they had once shared they could have again, but this time better, stronger and they need never be parted again.

It felt like a lifetime before the sound of a lock opening could be heard and the door to Craig's flat slowly creaked open. John Paul couldn't keep the smile from his lips as the image of Craig appeared in the doorway. Dressed in nothing but jeans the man looked perfectly edible and it took all of John Paul's self control not to ravish him there on the doorstep.

"John Paul… what… what are you doing here?" Craig's eyes flicked from the corridor to John Paul's face as he spoke and there was a strange sense of unease about the man.

"Craig I couldn't just… I couldn't leave it like that… we need to talk… please Craig, just let me explain." John Paul said gently, reaching out a hand to make contact with Craig's bare skin but the man flinched and stepped out of the way.

"No… no you've gotta go… he'll… you've just gotta go… there's nothing left to say John Paul, please just go…"

Grabbing the door Craig made an attempt to close it but John Paul put his foot in the way, he wasn't about to give up again, not that easily.

"I love you Craig." John Paul's azure eyes sparkled with the sincerity of his words and the sound of them made Craig want to weep.

"Why?" The word slipped from Craig's lips in a breath and he wasn't even certain that he had said it.

"Craig… what is it… what's wrong?" John Paul's brow wrinkled with concern. Craig seemed different somehow, distracted, nervous and John Paul couldn't understand what had changed in the space of a day. "Craig please tell me… what… what's that?" As Craig took another step back a beam of light from the window fell across his chest and illuminated a pattern of purple bruising that was half hidden under the natural colour of his skin.

Following John Paul's gaze Craig felt a wash of shame. He didn't want John Paul to see him like that, to see how worthless he was that Lee had to teach him how to be better.

"It's nothing," Craig lied, raising a hand to try and cover the marks, "I fell… please John Paul will you just go?"

Confusion raced through Craig's mind. He so desperately wanted to fall into the strength of John Paul's arms and let the man take all the pain away. Just like he had managed the day before when he had reminded Craig what a gentle touch could feel like and, for a few precious hours, Craig had genuinely been able to forget everything else in his life.

But Craig couldn't do that, not now. Lee was due back at any second and if he found John Paul there…

"Shit…" Craig could feel sickness and panic welling up inside him as the door at the end of the corridor swung open and a dark haired figure appeared. It was already too late.

Lee strode the length of the corridor, his wide strides bringing him quickly to the open door of the flat where his boyfriend was standing bare chested, talking to an attractive blonde man.

"Lee…" Craig said with a forced smile as his boyfriend leaned forward to press a possessive kiss to Craig's cheek, his eyes never leaving the face of the stranger. "This is John Paul… he's… he's an old friend from back home… just stopped by to say hello while he was in the area." Craig held his breath as he silently prayed that John Paul wouldn't contradict the lies that had frantically spilled from his tongue.

"Nice to meet you," John Paul said with a forced smile. There was something about Lee that John Paul didn't like and it ran deeper than just the fact that he was Craig's new boyfriend. There was something cold in the man's deep dark eyes that gave John Paul chills and left him with a desperate need to get Craig away from him as quickly as possible.

"You too," Lee replied with a smile that showed the dazzling white of his teeth. "Coming in for a coffee?"

"No," Craig blurted out. "I… err… I mean John Paul's gotta be going… Don't you?" Craig's soft brown eyes pleaded with John Paul to agree and he knew, for that moment at least, he had no choice but to leave.

"Yeah… I do have stuff to do… but nice to meet you… err… Lee wasn't it?" John Paul fought back the urge to grab Craig's hand and run. He knew he was being irrational but something about the situation felt so wrong and he couldn't work out what it was.

Craig moved aside as Lee stepped through the doorway into the flat. As the door closed Craig hesitated, his hand briefly touching John Paul's chest.

"Thank you," Craig breathed in a voice so low that John Paul could hardly hear it.

"I am coming back," John Paul whispered back as the door closed in his face.

---

"He seemed nice," Lee said calmly as he looked Craig up and down slowly.

"Yeah… yeah… he's a mate from…"

"Back home… you said." Taking off his jacket Lee hung it on the back of the door before turning back to face Craig. Guilt was written all over Craig's face and the sight of it made Lee's blood boil. "How long's he been here?"

"In Dublin?"

"In this flat?"

"He hasn't," Craig insisted, "I mean… he'd only just arrived… just before you… honestly Lee he didn't come in… I know you don't like people being in the flat when you're not here."

"And what's the idea of answering the door half naked like that?" With a single stride Lee was directly before Craig, his palm flat against the man's chest as his eyes burned fiercely into Craig's.

"I… I thought it was you…"

"I have a key. Why would I be knocking?"

"I don't know… I thought you'd forgotten it… I'm not… please Lee don't…" Craig stumbled backwards until the back of the sofa halted his progress.

"Did you shag him?" Lee's hands gripped tightly onto Craig's forearms making the man wince.

"No… of course not… I told you, he just got here…"

"If I find out you're lying to me…" Lee's face was only inches from Craig's and he could feel the man's hot breath against his skin.

"I'm not… I swear…"

Lee's hands fell from Craig's arms and he turned his back on the man. "Put the kettle on, I fancy a brew," Lee said in a voice that held no hint of the menace he had projected only seconds early.

Craig made his way into the kitchen on shaky legs. Sometimes the threat of violence could be more frightening than the physical act but the worst was never knowing, never being certain if he was going to be greeted with a smile or a slap.

---

John Paul stood in the street, letting the warmth of the sun take the chill from his bones. Every last atom of his being wanted to race back into that flat and save Craig, but he didn't even know if the man actually needed saving, or what he might need saving from.

One thing John Paul was certain of was that he needed to talk to Craig and he needed to do it when Lee wasn't around.

With a sigh John Paul set off down the street. He needed time to think, but he had meant what he told Craig. He was coming back.


	4. Chapter 4

"Call me. We need to talk. Please. I love you. JP."

Lee's knuckles whitened as his fingers wrapped tightly around Craig's mobile and his teeth ground together in anger. So they were just old friends were they? Since when did old friends text I love you? He knew that Craig had been hiding something, he should have said more last night. He should have made Craig tell the truth. Lee was always good at making Craig tell him the truth. Making Craig do as he was told.

With a press of Lee's thumb the text message was deleted and Craig's phone placed back on the table. Craig didn't need to know that man had sent the text. Craig didn't need that man. He didn't need anyone but Lee and Lee was determined to make Craig realise that.

Craig's chest rose and fell gently as he slept. His head rested contentedly on the pillow and his thick dark lashes were feathered across his cheeks.

Lee moved to sit on the edge of the bed and ran his finger nails lightly over Craig's soft cheek, travelling them down over the man's neck before letting his fingers rest around Craig's throat. Lee tightened his grip a fraction making the man in the bed mumble lightly in his sleep.

There were times when Lee held Craig by the throat that he imagined what it would feel like to increase the pressure a little bit more and not let go until the whimpering choking sounds stopped completely and Craig fell limply to the ground. Lee had never quite had the courage, or maybe enough provocation, to actually let things get that far, but now, with the image of that blonde man burning in his mind Lee felt his thumb pressing hard into the hollow of Craig's throat and he wasn't certain he wanted to stop.

With a gasp Craig's eyes shot open and Lee's hand snapped back quickly.

"Morning," Lee said brightly as Craig rubbed at his sleepy eyes.

"Hey," Craig replied with a small smile, "What time is it?"

"Doesn't matter… day off remember… so what d'you fancy doing today?"

Lee was smiling but the darkness in his eyes made Craig feel nervous. He knew how quickly Lee's mood could change and he knew the slightest thing could trigger that swing. What Craig never knew was what that slight thing would be as the criteria seemed to change in an instant.

"Whatever you want," Craig said, stroking his hand lightly over Lee's bare arm. "You decide… I'll do whatever you like."

Lee grinned to himself. There was never any question about who would decide the day's activities. Craig did as he was told and if he didn't like it… well that didn't really matter did it?

Lee pulled the duvet back until Craig's chest was revealed, allowing Lee to run his hand over the warm smooth skin.

"How about I keep you tied to this bed all day," Lee said in a low voice, "And I have my wicked way with you over and over again until you beg me to stop…" Lee smiled as he spoke, his voice carrying a hint of teasing and a full measure of menace.

Craig swallowed nervously. He had no doubt that Lee was perfectly capable of providing the day he described, just as he knew that he would make no attempt to prevent him.

"Or maybe," Lee continued, leaning closer to Craig until their faces were merely inches apart and Craig could feel the man's breath hot against his skin. "Maybe we should invite someone else around and I can watch while they have a go at you… what d'you think about that?"

Craig felt his body tense at Lee's words and a deep panic grip at his chest.

"Lee don't… please that's not…"

Lee's hand covered Craig's mouth to silence him.

"What about that friend of yours?" Lee said, letting his hand slide from Craig's lips to once again curl around his throat. "That John Paul… I bet he'd love a ride of my Craig… I bet you'd like that too… unless you've already had him… What d'you say? Shall we invite him round so I can watch him shag you? Would you like that Craig?"

"Lee… I…" Craig's voice trembled as Lee's grip on his throat held him firmly. Lee knew, somehow he knew, or at least suspected and he was planning to hurt John Paul_. Please god_, Craig thought to himself, _Don't let him hurt John Paul_. "Lee… me and… me and John Paul we're just…" Craig seemed to trip over the words as he spoke.

"Just mates, I know," Lee said with a laugh, his hand releasing Craig as he sat upright. "I'm only teasing… come on… get dressed and we'll go out."

---

"Hey babes… how's it going?" Jacqui's voice was bright and the sound felt comforting as John Paul held his phone to his ear.

"Hey Jacs… I… I don't really know…"

"You've seen Craig though?"

"Yeah…"

"And?"

"He's… he's changed… I mean really changed…" John Paul chewed his lips thoughtfully as he recalled his two meetings with the beautiful dark haired man.

"Well it's been a while John Paul," Jacqui reasoned, "People DO change… it's just one of those things… But what about you and him? Is there any chance?"

John Paul sighed. "I thought so at first… I mean we… It was like old times but then… he's met someone else Jac… another bloke."

"Bloody hell!" Jacqui exclaimed. "That I didn't see coming…"

"Nor me," John Paul admitted.

"I'm sorry babes… maybe we should never have got you that ticket…"

"No… No I'm glad you did… there's something… there's something not right Jac." John Paul closed his eyes as he tried to pinpoint the dark niggling doubt at the back of his mind.

"What sort of not right…"

"I'm not sure… It's just a feeling but…"

John Paul let the events of the past two days replay in his mind. Everything had been comprehensible until that text. John Paul had understood Craig's initial anger, just like he had been able to feel Craig's love and desire, but that was all wiped away by one text message as if the Craig he knew had been switched off.

There had been a panic in Craig's voice as he begged John Paul to go, but John Paul had put that down to him not wanting his boyfriend to catch him cheating. That was reasonable, understandable and yet there was still something else… something deeper.

John Paul's mind moved on to the following day. To the look in Craig's eyes as he opened the door. The way Craig's gaze constantly flitted to the outer door in anticipation of Lee's arrival. The pattern of bruising across Craig's chest that had been caused by a "fall". The look in Craig's eyes as Lee approached. The look that was…

"Oh shit!" It was so obvious, how couldn't he see it sooner?

"John Paul love what is it?"

"Sorry Jac… I've gotta go… He… I… I'll call you later."

John Paul was already out of the door before he had ended the call, grabbing his coat on the way.

That look in Craig's eyes, the look John Paul had searched to name, the look that grew stronger and deeper as soon as Lee arrived.

John Paul knew what that look was.

It was called fear.

---

Craig slipped his arms into his jacket and, pulling it tightly around him, he turned to Lee with a child-like expectancy.

"So where are we going… Do I look OK?"

Lee's features were expressionless as he let his gaze travel lazily over the figure of the man before him.

Craig's tight black jeans hugged the shape of his firm thighs, his snug white shirt was open at the top to reveal a tantalising peak of tanned skin and the leather jacket thrown over it accentuated Craig's overall appearance perfectly.

Lee couldn't remember the last time he had seen Craig looking quite that desirable and he was tempted to divest the man of his clothing at that very moment.

"Is that the best you can do?" Lee said dismissively.

"I… I can change if you like…" Craig replied crestfallen as his eyes dropped to the floor.

"Well you could have made more of an effort… still I'm not hanging around here wasting any more time and it's not as if anyone's gonna be looking at YOU anyway." Lee sneered as he opened the front door.

Craig shuffled through the doorway with his head hung low. "Why would anyone want too be looking at me when you're around?" He said quietly.

Lee grinned his satisfaction as he gave Craig a shove to make him hurry up. He knew very well the number of head's that would turn as Craig passed by, but he was going to make damn certain that Craig didn't notice them. He couldn't let the man get any ideas above his station, couldn't have him thinking there was anything better out there for him.

---

John Paul was breathless by the time he reached Craig's building and had to pause for a moment, his hands resting on his thighs as he pulled much needed air into his lungs. After calls to three taxi firms John Paul had been frustrated to learn that none of them had a car available for at least twenty minutes. There was no way he could wait that long and so, with a determination he hadn't felt in a long time, John Paul was soon sprinting through the streets of Dublin. Every pounding step was bringing him closer to Craig and at the same time increasing the panic that was building in his chest.

John Paul had cursed himself as he ran. He couldn't believe he hadn't seen the signs immediately. Craig had looked so scared, so intimidated, as if there was nothing left of the Dean confidence at all.

The angry blonde man swore a thousand different forms of revenge on the person who had dared to treat Craig so badly, whilst at the same time trying to block out the little voice that hinted at John Paul's own part in Craig's current situation. "If you hadn't left him… If he hadn't been on his own… If you'd only replied to Craig's text…"

Wiping the sting of tears roughly from his eyes John Paul pushed opened the outer door of the building and strode purposefully inside.

---

"So where are we going?" Craig asked as he walked a step or two behind Lee through the busy Dublin streets.

"Thought we'd go the pub," Lee replied without turning his head.

"Oh." Craig felt a little deflated. When Lee had suggested a day out Craig had anticipated something more than a trip to the local.

"What?" Lee spun around sharply, causing Craig to walk into him. Lee's hands connected with Craig's shoulders, shoving him back firmly making Craig stumble and almost lose his footing. "The pub not good enough for you is it?" Lee snarled.

"No… no… I didn't mean anything… I wasn't saying…"

"Or maybe you think I'M not good enough for you… is that it?"

"God Lee no… I would never think that… Honestly I… I…" No matter how many times he came close Craig had never been able to tell Lee that he loved him. He wanted him and needed him but the word love never quite made it to his lips, never quite felt right.

"Cause if you think anyone else is ever gonna want the likes of you…" The venom in Lee's voice made Craig shrink back. He was right, Lee was always right. No one else was ever going to look at Craig the way Lee did, no one else would ever want to look after him, no one else was ever going to want him.

For an instant a flash of bright blue eyes sparked deep inside Craig's brain. John Paul wanted you. Craig pushed the thought quickly away. John Paul walked away, John Paul left me… Lee never left… No matter how useless I am Lee never gives up on me.

---

"Craig… Craig let me in… open the door… Craig please…"

John Paul banged his fist against the door to Craig's flat; kicking with frustration at it the longer no one answered.

Was Craig inside unwilling to answer, or unable?

John Paul felt a heavy sickness in the pit of his stomach as his mind cruelly ran through a dozen possible reasons why Craig couldn't answer the door, each one worse than the last until John Paul felt the deep fear that he had witnessed in those soft brown eyes.

"Craig please… for god's sake let me in… just let me know you're OK…" John Paul held back a sob as he yelled in vain at the solid wood before him as he tried to calculate exactly how much force it would take to break in.

"They've gone out love."

John Paul's head snapped round at the sound of the voice behind him. A short fair-haired woman in her mid fifties was peering through a neighbouring door at the young man who was shouting loud enough to rouse the whole building.

"Sorry?" John Paul said as he took a step towards the woman.

"The young fella who lives there… and that other one… I saw them go out about five minutes ago."

"I don't suppose you know where they went?"

"They're not gonna tell the likes of me are they?" The woman replied with a grimace. "Especially not that fella that visits… strutting around like he owns the place… nasty piece of work if you ask me…"

"Why… what… what d'you know about them?" John Paul's heart was racing in his chest as the woman spoke, his concern growing by the second.

"Well I'm not one to gossip," she said, leaning against the doorframe with an expression that contradicted her claim. "But there's something very unsavoury going on with those two lads… Now I've nothing against the gays… what those boys do when they're alone is no one else's business… and that young one… that Craig lad… well he was a nice pleasant lad when he first moved in… bit quiet but always polite… always happy to help carry your shopping in… then he met that other one…"

"And what happened?"

The woman looked around her as if checking that she wasn't being over heard. "Well there's always shouting going on these days… and that poor lad… well I've heard him begging that other one not to hit him before now… not that it does any good I would say… judging by the black eyes I've seen over the last couple of months… If you ask me that bastard gets off on that young Craig crying and asking him to stop… I've known his sort before… evil to the core…"

John Paul reached for the support of the wall to steady himself. Deep in his heart he had still hoped that he was wrong; that his fears would prove to be unfounded and Craig would laugh off the idea as the best joke he had heard in a long time.

Deep in his heart John Paul had known that he had failed Craig, leaving him to fall victim to a bully far worse than Sonny Valentine, leaving him and not being there when Craig needed his protection.

"Why has nobody done anything?" John Paul asked in a pained whimper.

"What could someone like me do against a thug like that?" The woman asked with a sadly sympathetic smile. She had hated hearing and seeing Craig's suffering but at the same time she had known that getting involved would solve nothing.

John Paul nodded his understanding. If Lee could treat Craig so badly there was little doubt he would hesitate on using the same violence against anyone who got in his way.

But John Paul wasn't a fifty-year-old woman and he wasn't going to let things continue for one moment longer.

"So… you a friend of his then?"

"I'm trying to be…"

"I hope you can help him…"

"So do I."

---

"Lee wait… I'm sorry…" Craig pleaded with the retreating back of his boyfriend as he jogged down the almost deserted street to keep up with Lee's determined strides.

Lee couldn't keep the grin from his face as Craig begged him to turn around and look at him. The more Craig begged the faster Lee walked as if his steps were fuelled by each desperate word.

"Lee I didn't mean anything… you know I love going to the pub with you… I'd go anywhere with you… please just tell me we're OK…" Craig reached out to grab Lee's shoulder, his breath catching in his throat as he felt the man's muscles tense under his hand.

Lee spun around so quickly that Craig had no time to remove himself from the path of the fist that connected with his jaw, but then even if he had seen the blow coming Craig wouldn't have moved. Lee always got angrier when Craig tried to dodge his punishment and he'd learnt long ago not to make Lee angry if he could help it.

"Now look what you've made me do," Lee spat angrily as a trickle of blood ran from Craig's split lip. "You couldn't just leave it could you? You've always got to go and push me… Do you like it when I get annoyed Craig is that it? Do you enjoy winding me up?"

"No Lee… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…" Craig let his gaze fall to the broken paving stones beneath his feet, his eyes tracing the patterns of the cracks in some vain attempt to distract himself from the feeling of worthlessness that wanted to consume him.

"You never MEAN to do you Craig?" Lee said aggressively with a shove that pushed Craig back against the wall. "It's just who you are… what you are… a snivelling little annoyance that I've been lumbered with… maybe I should just leave you here with the rest of the garbage."

Craig's eyes remained firmly glued to the ground. His jaw ached from the force of the punch and drops of blood were spattering near his feet but he made no effort to raise a hand and staunch the flow.

"God you make me sick sometimes." Lee could feel the anger raging through him like a fire that he had no control over. His fists clenched at his sides and his vision seemed to cloud over. The only real clarity was Craig standing submissively against the wall, accepting whatever Lee chose to do next. Craig passive stance only served to fuel Lee's rage further and without warning his fist connected with Craig's stomach causing the man to groan and double over with pain.

Taking a deep breath Lee raised his hand to strike again but was prevented as, seemingly from nowhere, fingers gripped tightly around his wrist.

"Get your hands off him."

Lee turned to face the blonde man that he had found at Craig's door the day before, his dazzling blue eyes flashing with uncontrolled fury.

"Who the hell d'you think you are telling me what to do?" Lee asked trying to free his arm from the grip that refused to let go.

"You lay one more finger on him…" John Paul growled as Lee looked at him with contempt.

"I'll do whatever I like," Lee gloated, finally managing to wrench his arm from John Paul's grip. "And I don't think you're gonna be the one to stop me."

Lee's fist raced towards John Paul but the man ducked out of the way at the last second, his own punch landing squarely in Lee's middle making the man stagger back with unexpected pain.

Another punch caused Lee to double over before a final crashing blow to his jaw consigned him to the floor.

John Paul's breathing came in short ragged pants as he turned his attention to Craig who was watching with wide-eyed horror.

"What the hell are you doing?" Craig asked immediately rushing to Lee's side and crouching next to him.

"Craig he was…" John Paul began, but was quickly silenced by Craig's glare.

"It's none of your business… you had no right to hit him…"

"HE had no right to hit you… I was trying to protect you…"

"Did I ask you to?" Craig got to his feet and stared John Paul squarely in the eyes. "Go home John Paul… I don't need you here…"

"I'm not leaving you alone with him."

"He's my boyfriend."

"I don't care… you're not safe…"

"He loves me…"

"No," John Paul's eyes softened as he spoke. Their blue becoming a gentle wash of the ocean that soothed Craig's fears like nothing else ever had. "That's not love Craig… I love you." John Paul's words were a soft caress that Craig was scared to lean into.

"You left me… I had no one…" Craig's gentle eyes were filled with confusion and tears and John Paul reached out his bandaged hand to touch lightly at his cheek.

"I know and I'm sorry… I've regretted it every day Craig… If I'd known… Please Craig… even if you don't want me I can't leave you with him…"

"You're nothing without me Craig," Lee said as he got to his feet. "You know you can't cope on your own…"

"He won't be on his own," John Paul said turning to the man, his soft eyes darkening with anger. "Now I suggest you walk away while you can still walk…"

"Don't think this is over," Lee threatened as he staggered away, the words ringing a hollow promise in his ears.

The sound of a sob made John Paul look back at Craig. The dark haired man had fallen back against the wall, his arms wrapped around his knees and he rocked to the sound of his own pain.

"Craig… it's gonna be alright." John Paul promised, getting to his knees and pulling Craig against his chest.

"You don't understand," Craig said desolately. "He's gone… that means I'm alone…"

"No you're not," John Paul reassured him. "You'll never be alone again."

---

Craig allowed John Paul to hold him for some time. The warmth and strength of the man's arms offered a comfort that Craig had been unaware he needed.

When he finally lifted his face Craig noticed something that hadn't registered with him earlier.

"You're hurt."

John Paul followed Craig's gaze to the bandage wrapped around his hand, a few spots of blood staining the white material across the centre of his palm.

"I cut myself the other day," John Paul said by way of an explanation.

"But you're bleeding now." Craig took hold of John Paul's damaged hand, noticing the man wince in pain as he held it.

"I… I think I might have pulled a stitch before when I…"

"When you hit Lee?"

John Paul shrugged. At the time John Paul had felt no pain as he delivered the justice that he thought Lee deserved, but now that the adrenalin rush had faded away his palm throbbed heavily with the ache of the deeps cuts that had barely begun healing.

"You think I'm pathetic don't you?" Craig asked getting to his feet.

"No of course not…"

"You must do… and I am… letting Lee… putting up with all that." Craig rubbed his hands over his face as if sudden exhaustion had overtaken him. With a sigh Craig turned and began to walk away slowly.

"Craig… what are you gonna do?" John Paul asked, uncertain for a moment if he should follow.

"I don't know," Craig answered not bothering to look back. "It's not like he'll come back now."

Quickly racing to Craig's side John Paul gripped the man's shoulder to halt his progress.

"Craig you wouldn't take him back would you?"

Craig didn't answer; in truth he didn't even know the answer. Despite everything life with Lee had felt simple. Lee had somehow taken control of Craig's world and given it direction. Somewhere buried deep inside Craig had known that the price he was paying for that direction was unacceptable, but as long as he ignored that feeling life didn't seem so empty, not like it had done for the months before Lee found him.

For months Craig had felt lost and alone. His plans for a "happy ever after" had been torn apart leaving him with nothing. For months Craig had convinced himself that there was some innate flaw within him that made people leave him in the end. For months Craig had been on his own… until Lee.

"I've got to go," Craig said with a sigh as he turned from John Paul again.

"Where to?"

"I don't know… home?"

"Craig…" John Paul reached for Craig's hands, holding them tightly and ignoring the sharp pain in his palm. "Let me help you… please."

John Paul's bright blue eyes seemed to shine with a glow sent straight from heaven as Craig looked into them but he was afraid to believe what they promised, he'd believed once before.

"Why are you here?" Craig asked quietly. "Why now after all this time…"

John Paul chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully before he answered. It would have been easy to be vague; to omit a few simple facts, but Craig deserved the truth. After everything he had been through Craig deserved better than to be told more lies.

"It wasn't my idea," John Paul replied, letting go of Craig's hands and turning away. "I was trying to forget you… pretend what we had… what we were didn't matter anymore… didn't hurt anymore…"

John Paul looked down at his hands as he spoke, his eyes tracing the pattern of blood across his palm as he searched for the words to make Craig understand, to make Craig not turn him away.

"And I thought I was doing well… convincing everyone… convincing myself… but I never could fool Jacqui… whatever I've done in my life Jacqui has been able to see straight through me… she could always see the truth – even before I could."

"What did she do?" Craig asked as John Paul turned back to face him.

"She got me plane tickets… told me I needed to come here… needed to know… and she was right… I do."

"What," Craig said swallowing heavily as the fire from John Paul's eyes seemed to burn through to his soul. "What do you need to know?"

"If you can forgive me… for leaving you like that… for letting you down… if you still love me." John Paul's voice was a whisper as he spoke and his gaze fell from Craig's eyes as if he was afraid to see the answer reflected in those gentle pools of liquid chocolate.

---

Mrs Thompson had lived in her flat for almost ten years. In that time she had seen many other tenants come and go. Some of them had become friends while others she barely knew. Some she had liked and other she'd had no time for. But in all that time she'd never met anyone like Lee before.

There was a cruelness in the young man's eyes that chilled her to the bone and a violence that she knew had been visited on the younger man countless times.

Mrs Thompson had wanted so many times to knock on Craig's door and ask if he was alright. To intercede and maybe prevent another black eye or another split lip, but fear for her own safety had always held her back. There was no doubt in her mind that her age and sex would still Lee's hand if she tried to get in the way.

The young blonde man who had been looking for Craig earlier couldn't have been more different. It wasn't just his physical appearance that made him markedly different to Lee it was the spirit of the man that shone from his eyes. Those gentle blue pools had radiated a kindness and understanding that Mrs Thompson hoped would be enough to save Craig before Lee's violence went too far and she had been praying, since he left, that the blonde man was strong enough to bring back the young man who had first arrived at those flats several months earlier.

---

"Well?" The silence felt as if it had lasted for hours rather than the few minutes that had really elapsed and John Paul needed to know the answer, whatever it was.

"Does it matter?" Craig asked after another pause.

"Of course it matters…"

"I loved you before and it wasn't enough," Craig said sadly. "I loved you more than anything else in this world and it still wasn't good enough… You left me John Paul… You tore my heart out and you left me to come here with nothing… Do you know how that felt? I came here and I had nothing… I felt like I was nothing…" Craig's voice was tinged with anger as he spoke and each word cut into John Paul far deeper than the broken glass had when it lacerated his hand.

"I guess that answers the 'if you can forgive me' part of the question," John Paul said quietly, "But what about the other part… do you still love me Craig… do you?"

Craig sighed as he rubbed at some private irritation at the back of his neck. Why did life always have to get so complicated? Why did John Paul have to turn up and remind him of the way things used to be?

"I should get back to the flat," Craig replied as he turned to walk away.

John Paul watched Craig's retreating back for a second until the man stopped and looked back at him.

"Coming?"

---

"Craig… I've been waiting for you to get back love."

"Mrs Thompson, what's wrong?" Craig looked at the woman with concern as she peered through the gap in her doorway.

"That Lee was here… in your flat … I don't know what he was doing, but he made an awful racket."

John Paul and Craig exchanged worried looks, neither of them noticing as their fingers sought the reassurance of each other curling together in a firm hold.

"He's not still in there is he?" John Paul asked calmly. It had taken all of his self-control to limit his attack on Lee to a few blows but he wasn't certain that he could be so restrained again, and the last thing he wanted Craig to witness was more violence.

"No… I was watching for him… he left a few minutes ago."

"Thanks Mrs T." Craig said with the first genuine smile she had seen on the young man's face for such a long time.

"Be careful lads," She warned kindly, "He's a wrong un that one."

Mrs Thompson watched as the two young men headed down the corridor to Craig's flat. She had know, as soon as she saw the anger in Lee's eyes and the purple bruising around his jaw, that for once Lee hadn't had things all his own way, just as she had known that he wouldn't give up that easily. But seeing the look in Craig's eyes, the lack of immediate fear, gave his neighbour hope that things would, eventually, work out fine.

Craig opened his front door with trepidation; he anticipated the worst but was still shocked by the sight that confronted him. No piece of furniture was left upright, photographs and crockery were smashed and scattered around the room and the sofa was slashed through its centre, the filling oozing from the gash like a flow of white blood.

"What's he done?" Craig gasped, turning to John Paul with a look of horror in his eyes.

"It's alright," John Paul said reassuringly as they both stepped into the flat and closed the door behind them.

"Alright? Look at the place… he's destroyed it."

"It doesn't matter, it's only things…" John Paul's arm found its way around Craig's shaking shoulders as the two men surveyed the devastation that Lee had wreaked in the flat. Craig saw the remnants of his life, torn to shreds and scattered around him. John Paul saw damaged possessions that could be repaired or replaced and felt relief that Lee had take his frustrations out on such inanimate objects rather than on the man at his side.

"Come on," John Paul said with an enforced brightness, "I'll help you clear up… it won't take us that long together."

For fourty-five minutes the two men put their minds and their bodies to straightening the flat. Righting the furniture and clearing away the debris until it almost looked habitable again. The slash through the sofa was patched with tape and a chair jammed against the door to prevent any unwanted visitors.

"We need to get that lock changed," John Paul said as he dropped his aching body onto the damaged sofa.

"We?" Craig questioned as he fell onto the cushion beside the blonde haired man.

"Well I mean… you know… I'll help you get it changed…"

"You know a lot about changing locks do you?"

John Paul laughed softly. "You'd be surprised at the skills you pick up when you're a McQueen!"

The two men sat together in companionable silence for a while, enjoying the peace that seemed to settle over the room.

"Craig?" John Paul said finally breaking the quiet.

"Hmm?"

"How… how did it get to this… how did you let…" John Paul hesitated. The last thing he wanted to do was make Craig feel worse but he couldn't understand how the strong man he had known could allow himself to become a victim like that.

"I'm not sure," Craig replied, answering the question that was never fully asked.

John Paul instinctively raised his hand to stroke his fingers lightly through Craig's hair, making Craig relax into his soothing touch. Gradually Craig's body began to lean closer into John Paul's until finally the man's arms were around him and his head was resting against John Paul's chest.

"He seemed nice at first," Craig said in a low voice, half talking to John Paul and half reminiscing to himself. "I'd been so lonely since I got here and he made me feel good about myself again… wanted…"

John Paul closed his eyes as Craig spoke. Craig's words tore at his heart as images of the man, alone and vulnerable, filled his mind. Despite the logic that told him Lee and only Lee was responsible for hurting Craig the voices remained, whispering deep inside John Paul's heart, that if he hadn't left Craig that day then Lee would never have had the opportunity.

"But why did you stay with him… after…?" John Paul asked quietly, not wanting to know the answer but still needing to.

"At first I thought… I thought maybe it was a one-off… we'd been drinking and he was upset with me so I let it go… and then the second time… I don't know…everything I did seemed to make him angry… I tried so hard not to but I always did something wrong… and I was so scared of being left on my own again…"

"Oh Craig I'm so sorry…" Warm tears tumbled down John Paul's cheeks as he held Craig tightly against his chest.

"It's not your fault," Craig replied, lifting his face to John Paul's. "You know me… I always manage to annoy people…"

"Craig… It's not YOUR fault… tell me you get that… what Lee did… you didn't deserve any of it."

"You know how angry I can make people," Craig reasoned with a smile, "You used to get really angry with me sometimes…"

"But only because…"

"Because you loved me?"

John Paul winced at the use of the same words Craig had used to justify Lee's violence.

"I would never have hit you," John Paul said firmly.

"You might have… if you'd stayed… maybe that's just how I make people feel…"

"No." John Paul stroked Craig's face gently as he spoke. "No matter how angry I got I would never have done that… that's not love Craig… and you never deserved it… not once…"

Craig sighed gently as emotional and physical exhaustion washed over him. Closing his eyes he let the warmth of John Paul's embrace calm his confusion as John Paul's fingers combed lightly through his hair.

John Paul's touch was so gentle, it reminded him of how gently the man had held him two days earlier as they made love, how he had been able to forget everything but that beautiful man and how much love they had once shared.

"Nobody's ever gonna hurt you like that again Craig," John Paul promised quietly. "Not ever again… I won't let them.

---

Yawning softly John Paul stretched out his arms as he slowly opened his eyes. The afternoon had given way to dusk and the room was bathed in shadows that danced against the walls to the music of the traffic outside. He didn't know exactly when he had drifted off into sleep, or how long he had slept for, but it was certain that a few hours had passed since he brought Craig back to the flat.

Sitting up quickly John Paul looked around the room; Craig was no longer by his side and a moments panic raced through his flesh. When his eyes reached the front door John Paul breathed a sigh of relief seeing that the chair was still wedged firmly in place and, seconds later, he heard the sound of movement in the kitchen.

John Paul closed his eyes again and let the panic subside. Craig was there… and safe… and for now that was all that mattered.

A sudden vibration in his pocket startled John Paul and he jumped clumsily to his feet, fishing in his pocket for his ringing mobile.

"Hey Jac," John Paul said in greeting as he answered his sister's call.

"John Paul… is everything alright love? You hung up so suddenly before and I've been waiting for you to call back." Jacqui's tone was heavy with concern and John Paul drew comfort and strength from the woman's voice. Jacqui McQueen could face down a lion and walk away without a scratch, her younger brother had one pathetic loser to deal with and one beautiful broken man to look after, he hoped that had some of the McQueen strength now, when he needed it the most.

"I'm sorry Jac… I never thought… It's just…" John Paul turned around slowly to make sure Craig wasn't within earshot before he carried on. "It's such a mess Jac… Craig he… I… I don't really know what to do…"

"What is it… what's happened?"

"You know I said he was seeing someone… a bloke… god Jac he's just vile…"

"Well to be fair John Paul, you were never gonna like a new fella in Craig's life were you?" John Paul could almost picture his sister's reasonable smile as she spoke.

John Paul laughed sadly. "It's not that Jac… I mean yeah I hate the idea of Craig having someone else… having a bloke but… shit Jac this guy's been… he's been knocking him about…"

"You're kidding," Jacqui replied with surprise.

"I… I didn't see it at first but… but he's got all these bruises and he's… he's so scared… and then… then I went looking for Craig and I saw… Jac I saw that bastard hitting him… he was just laying into him and Craig was standing there taking it… like it was OK – like he deserved it…"

"Bloody hell John Paul," Jacqui said with anger in her voice, "I hope to god you stepped in."

"Course I did… I mean I wouldn't let that happen to anyone… especially not Craig."

"Good… cause if I'd been there I would have chopped the bastards bollocks off!"

John Paul let out a laugh, it felt good to have that momentary release but he also knew that, had Jacqui been there then Lee could very well be missing parts of his anatomy by now.

"So what are you gonna do?" Jacqui asked after a pause.

"I don't know," John Paul admitted. Walking over to the window he leant his head against the cool glass and stared out over the darkening city beyond. "I can't leave him though Jac… no it's not that… I won't leave him… I don't want to. I love him Jac… I mean I always have but I think I'd forgotten – or tried to forget – just how it felt to be with him… how much he completes me… even now – with everything that's happening I still feel more alive than I have done for months cause I'm with Craig… and nothing in this world is gonna make me give that up again… nothing and no one."

"It sounds to me like you know what you want to do," Jacqui said with a smile.

"Yeah… yeah I guess I do… I should have done it back in September and I could have saved him all of this…" John Paul sighed with regret. Never, for one second, could he have anticipated that his choice that day would have had such far-reaching consequences.

"HEY!" Jacqui admonished, "Don't you go blaming yourself… none of this is your fault."

"That's exactly what I told Craig!"

"Well then we're both right! So you're staying in Dublin then?"

"There's nowhere else I want to be… no one else I want to be with… I don't even know if he still loves me Jac… I hope he does but… but whatever happens I'm not letting him down again… I love him… more than… more than anything… more than my own life."

"Well then you've gotta try haven't you… but be careful John Paul."

"I will…and thanks Jac… thanks for everything."

John Paul continued to rest his head against the window for a few seconds after ending his call before he felt Craig's presence in the room.

The dark haired man was holding two mugs of tea and a small smile played curiously about his lips.

"He didn't break everything," Craig said gesturing at the mug as he moved further into the room.

"How long were you stood there?" John Paul asked, taking one of the drinks from Craig and cradling its warmth in his hands.

"A while."

"How much did you hear?"

"Enough… did you mean it?"

"Every word," John Paul replied, placing his mug on the mantle and then taking Craig's tea from his hands and placing it next to it. "I'll never let you down again Craig," John Paul promised as he took a gentle hold of Craig's hands. "I swear… whatever happens I'll always be here for you…"

"You will?" Craig's deep brown eyes were filled with uncertain hope as they stared deeply into the bottomless blue pools that looked at him with love.

"I will… always…" John Paul pulled Craig into his arms until their heads were resting on each other's shoulders and the beating of their hearts echoing back and forth between them. "I love you Craig."

"I don't know… I'm not sure if…" Craig fingers gripped tightly onto the back of John Paul's shirt for support as he tried to understand what he was feeling and what it could mean for the future.

"It doesn't matter," John Paul reassured him, "There's no rush Craig… just know that I'm here for you… that's all…"

"Even after… after everything I've… after all the things I've…"

"Craig shh, none of it matters now… we've both made some stupid decisions…"

"Maybe," Craig said, enjoying the warm protective feel of John Paul's arms. "But you've never done anything like…"

"Craig…" John Paul relaxed his hold on the man in his arms, pulling back to look at Craig's beautiful confused features. "You really want to know what stupid thing I did to try and get over you?"

Craig furrowed his brow and nodded, unable to imagine John Paul being able to say anything that would surprise him.

A slightly shamed smile tickled at John Paul's mouth. "I slept with a Catholic priest," he said in a quiet confession.

"You did not!" Craig said with disbelief.

"I did," John Paul confirmed sheepishly. "Craig we both looked for comfort in the wrong places but neither of us ever have to do that again… not if… if this is what you want."

Craig returned to the closeness of John Paul's embrace without answering. He wanted to feel like the man he had once been and there, safe in John Paul's arms, he felt that was a possibility. But he knew he couldn't always be in John Paul's arms and he had to learn to feel safe out of them.


	5. Chapter 5

"It's getting late," Craig said looking out of the window at the darkness of the night sky. A peppering of glittering diamonds were dusted through the inky blackness, each one of them holding the promise of a bright new morning to come.

The two men had been sitting together on the damaged sofa for several hours, talking quietly until they had fallen into a comfortable silence. Craig was surprised at how much strength he got simply from John Paul's presence, but at the same time he couldn't shake the deep-rooted fear that it was only temporary. Everything in his life seemed to be temporary these days and he was too scared to allow himself the hope of more.

"You probably should be going."

John Paul was stunned by Craig's suggestion and he looked at the man with concern.

"I… I don't have to…" John Paul's eyes flicked over to the door, still firmly wedged closed by a chair. The reason the door had to be barred like that was still out there and the thought of leaving Craig alone in the flat made John Paul feel physically sick. Anything could happen and he wouldn't be there to help. The idea was unbearable and yet, at the same time, John Paul knew that he couldn't force his presence on Craig if it wasn't wanted.

"I know," Craig replied touching his fingertips lightly to John Paul's face, "But I need… I think… I just need some time on my own… you know?"

John Paul smiled his understanding and, catching the hand against his face; he pressed his lips softly against Craig's palm.

Getting slowly to his feet John Paul kept a hold of Craig's hand, pulling the man up with him, holding tightly with the fear of someone scared to let go, but he knew he had to.

"Craig you… you will be careful won't you… I mean you won't… you won't let him in again?" John Paul's concern was etched deeply across his face, burning darkly through the blue of his eyes.

"I'll be fine," Craig reassured him.

"Craig I mean it," John Paul said firmly. "Once I've gone you need to put that chair back and keep it there. Promise me Craig… promise me you won't let him in here." John Paul's grip on Craig's hand tightened, reawakening the sharp pain from his cuts but it wasn't enough to make him lessen his hold.

"I promise," Craig replied.

John Paul looked towards the door nervously. The last thing he wanted to do was leave but he could sense Craig's need for some time alone and he had to respect that need.

"If you need me… for anything… you'll call me yeah?"

"I will."

Letting go of John Paul's hand Craig pulled the chair away from the door and opened the lock.

"Seriously Craig… anything…"

Craig let out a small laugh as he pulled the door open. "I'll call… I promise!"

With reluctant steps John Paul crossed the threshold into the corridor, pausing once outside to look closely at Craig. The violence of the day was illustrated by the dark purple bruising that surrounding the cut on Craig's mouth, but it did nothing to mar the man's beauty that had always run far deeper than his physical appearance.

"I love you," John Paul said quietly.

"Thank you," Craig replied, brushing his fingers over John Paul's cheek again.

---

Craig paced the emptiness of his flat. John Paul had been gone for over an hour but Craig felt none of the panic he had anticipated. Despite being on his own Craig didn't feel alone. For the first time since setting a foot in Ireland Craig didn't have the overwhelming feeling of emptiness that he had experienced every time he had been left without company. The emptiness that had sent him to the pub the night he met Lee and the emptiness that had kept him with Lee long after he knew he should leave.

Spotting a glint of light in the corner of the room Craig bent down to retrieve a smashed picture frame that had been missed earlier and, letting the shattered glass fall back to the floor, Craig picked up the photograph.

He'd always hated that picture. Craig had been looking off camera at the moment the shutter had been depressed and it made him appear as if he had a squint. Lee, on the other hand, was looking directly down the lens, his dark eyes glowing as his movie star good looks shone from the glossy paper.

Craig had always hated that picture but Lee had insisted on having it framed. Craig crumpled the photograph in his fist, letting it fall to the ground forgotten. A small act of defiance against Lee's wishes but it felt good and Craig smiled to himself.

---

John Paul had walked back to his bed and breakfast slowly, his hand tightly clutching his phone in case it rang, hating each step that took him further from Craig's side but still understanding the importance of giving Craig the time alone that he needed.

Once getting to his room John Paul had made a mug of tea, which sat cold and untouched on top of the bedside cabinet.

Lying back on his bed John Paul stared into the darkness of the room.

Craig would be alright. He had to believe that. For the tenth time in as many minutes John Paul looked at his mobile to make sure it was switched on. Craig knew where he was if he needed him. Taking a deep breath John Paul closed his eyes. He hoped to god Craig wasn't going to need him.

---

Craig stood at the bathroom mirror studying his reflection intently. It had been some months since he had taken any time to look at himself that closely. Not since Lee had started to instil in him the belief that what he would see in the mirror would only ever be a disappointment.

Raising his hand to his face Craig traced over the cut that marked his lip, wincing as the pressure of his touch aggravated the bruising. Craig's fingers moved further over his face, tracing the curve of his cheeks down to the edge of his jaw, stroking over the bridge of his nose and across the smoothness of his forehead.

Craig's skin felt soft under his fingertips and he tilted his head to an angle as he continued to explore his features. His eyes shone a rich deep brown under the harsh bathroom lighting and Craig smiled at the sight of the long thick lashes his sisters had always envied.

"John Paul loves me," Craig whispered quietly to the empty room, watching as his mouth formed the words.

Lee had often told Craig that he loved him, but it was always used as an explanation, or rather an excuse, for something else. "I only get angry because I love you", "I love you so much it drives me crazy seeing you talking to another man."

With John Paul "I love you" was the beginning and end, no conditions, no provisos, nothing but love.

With Lee "I love you" had meant violence, either before or after the words but Craig had always known it would be close by. "That's not love," John Paul had said and for a while Craig had had difficulty understanding him but now he did.

Craig's fingers ran lightly over his throat. If he looked really closely he could see the almost faded bruises of another day when Lee had been angry. Craig couldn't even remember what he had done or said that day to have the man pin him by the throat to the wall, torrents of abuse being screamed into his face while he passively accepted it.

"That's not love," Craig told his reflection and the dark haired man in the mirror agreed with him. He'd known love before and it hadn't felt like that. It hadn't been shrouded in pain and fear. It had made him feel complete and alive.

Craig smiled at himself as he reached for the light switch. He felt alive.

---

John Paul dozed lightly in the silence of his room. He hadn't bothered to get undressed or lie under the covers "just in case". Instead he half sat, half slouched against the headboard, with his mobile resting lightly against his outstretched hand. Waiting for the call. Afraid of the call.

The sudden shrill tone made John Paul jump violently, his hand flipping the ringing telephone to the floor where it skittered underneath the bed.

Cursing himself John Paul threw his body over the edge of the mattress to reach for his mobile, his panic increasing as he saw Craig's name flashing on the screen.

"Craig what is it? Are you OK?" John Paul almost shouted into the phone in a breathless voice.

"It's… no… I'm fine… sorry I didn't mean to scare you?" Craig's tone was calm and John Paul felt a wash of relief.

"That's alright," John Paul said reassuringly as he righted himself on the bed, glad to hear Craig's voice despite the initial fear it had caused.

"It's just…"

"What?"

In the darkness of his room Craig could picture John Paul's eyes perfectly. He knew their exact shape and colour but more than that he knew how they shone when they looked at him with more love than he ever thought he deserved.

"It's just… I forgot to say before… I love you too."

---

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Craig asked leaning against the doorframe observing the scattering of lock parts around his feet.

"Hey!" John Paul said, looking up and pointing a screwdriver at him. "Do you want this doing or not?"

"I was just asking if you know where all those bits actually GO!" Craig replied with a grin.

"Rather than just stand there… why don't you go and make yourself useful."

"Doing?"

"A tea would be nice!"

"Typical workman," Craig muttered with amusement, "Only been here five minutes and he wants a brew!"

John Paul smiled as he watched Craig wander into the kitchen. The man seemed so relaxed, so much the person he had once been that John Paul thought it would be easy to believe that Craig had shrugged off the shadow of Lee's treatment, but he knew in reality that these things were not so easily forgotten and he couldn't help but wonder how much of Craig's new found confidence was simply an act for his benefit.

The cold hard weight of the new lock in John Paul's hand reminded him of the reality of the situation. Without the threat of Lee he wouldn't now be on his knees enhancing the security of Craig's flat with a new lock and safety chain. Both of which Craig insisted he didn't need, but neither of which he refused to let John Paul fit.

With a sigh John Paul let his head fall against the hard wood of the door. Even thinking about Lee, about what Lee had done, made his blood boil, but his anger wasn't only directed at the man who had hurt Craig both physically and emotionally. The truth was John Paul couldn't help but shoulder some of the blame himself and, no matter how many times he reasoned with himself that he couldn't have know, he still felt the guilt of leaving Craig so alone and vulnerable. He hadn't been there when Craig needed him the most and he had no intention of ever making that mistake again.

"Hungry?"

Craig's voice calling from the kitchen pulled John Paul from his musings.

"Sorry?"

"I said… are you hungry?"

"You're offering to cook?" John Paul couldn't keep the amusement from his voice, Craig Dean had never been known for his culinary skills.

"Hey!" Craig replied in mock indignation as he leant through the kitchen door to pout at John Paul. "Even I can grill some bacon for a butty!"

"Sounds good," John Paul replied, his stomach growling its approval. "Plenty of ketchup on mine."

--

"OK I take it back," Craig mumbled around a mouthful of bacon, "You did know what you were doing!"

Closing the front door John Paul stood back proudly to admire his handiwork as the lock clicked shut, barring the outside world from entering the flat. Quickly fastening the safety chain John Paul nodded his satisfaction of a job well done.

"Oh ye of little faith," John Paul chided with his hands on his hips and an 'I told you so' look across his face.

"Yes, yes, OK," Craig replied, "You win… and you can change my locks any time you like!"

John Paul's smile faded from his lips for a moment, he sincerely hoped that he would never have to change another lock for Craig as long as he lived, especially not in such circumstances.

Turning to face Craig he opened his mouth to speak but a sudden laugh took the words from his lips.

"What?" Craig asked as John Paul continued to laugh lightly.

"You've got…"

"What?"

"You've got some… here…"

Reaching out his hand John Paul tried not to notice as Craig flinched back ever so slightly before John Paul's thumb came into contact with his face.

With a sweeping gesture John Paul's thumb ran a line below Craig's bottom lip. Placing it in his mouth John Paul sucked off the red substance that his thumb had wiped from Craig's face.

"Ketchup," John Paul said with a grin.

Raising his hand self-consciously to his face Craig half giggled. "Are you sure you got it all?" he asked quietly, his eyes wide as he looked earnestly at John Paul.

"I'm not sure," John Paul replied softly as he took the plate and half eaten sandwich from Craig's hand, depositing it quickly on the floor before taking a step closer to the dark haired man. "What do you think?"

Craig felt his body tremble under John Paul's gaze. There was such gentleness in the man's bright blue eyes that they seemed to caress Craig's skin with a light touch, telling him that everything they saw was beautiful, had always been beautiful, no matter how often Lee had insisted otherwise.

"I don't… I'm not…" Craig's feet stepped forward on their own until he was close enough to John Paul to feel the heat of the man's breath against his skin. "Maybe you should make sure…"

John Paul's fingertips skimmed lightly over Craig's cheek, a warm touch that, this time, Craig felt no need to flinch away from. There was no menace or threat in John Paul's touch, only affection and tenderness and Craig couldn't understand how he had allowed himself to confuse Lee's actions with love for so long.

Craig's heart pounded heavily in his chest as John Paul's mouth touched against his. The warmth and softness of John Paul's lips felt so right as Craig moved deeper into the kiss, his arms wrapping around John Paul in a sudden tightness as if he was afraid to let go again.

John Paul could feel the heat of Craig's tears against his face and he pulled away from the kiss slowly, his hands stroking the dampness from Craig's cheeks.

"It's gonna be OK Craig," John Paul said gently as Craig's wide, tear-filled eyes observed him.

"Is it?"

"I promise…"

"I think I lost myself," Craig said, resting his face against John Paul's shoulder as the man's strong arms held him tightly. "Everything was so wrong and I couldn't stop it…"

"You're safe now," John Paul breathed into Craig's hair as he closed his eyes to hold in his own tears. "I'm here now and I'll never leave you again. Tell me what you need me to do Craig… anything… anything you need…"

"Just hold me…"

John Paul tightened his grip around the man in his arms and pressed his lips to the top of Craig's head. "Always," he promised, "For as long as you want me…"

---

John Paul sighed softly as the last strands of sleep gradually gave way to consciousness. He could feel the weight of Craig's head resting against his chest, just as it had done on the previous three mornings, and John Paul stroked Craig's hair lightly in a need to touch the man without wanting to wake him.

During his waking hours Craig's confidence in himself seemed to be restored, his smile once again shone from his eyes and he no longer shied away from John Paul's touch. But in the quiet of the night, in the solitude of his dreams, Craig would again be confronted by the fears that lingered in the back of his mind. While his conscious mind was slowly learning to believe that Lee's actions towards him had been unjustified the lingering doubts in his subconscious would still taunt him in his dreams, and John Paul would hold the man tightly as he cried out in his sleep, whispering soothing words until the terrors passed and Craig found peace again.

John Paul smile as his eyes travelled around the bedroom, coming to rest on his cases in the corner where they had been unceremoniously dumped two days earlier. It had been an obvious, almost natural, progression for John Paul to give up his room at the bed and breakfast to move in with Craig, but at the same time it was something he had been reluctant to do. The last thing John Paul wanted was to force his presence on the man who was still more fragile than he cared to admit, but at the same time the thought of leaving him alone in the flat at the end of the day was unbelievably hard.

Thankfully Craig had taken the decision from him, pressing the spare key into John Paul's hand with a smile.

"I think you'll need this," Craig had said as he wrapped John Paul's fingers around the key.

"Will I?"

"Well you will if you're gonna be living here…"

"And that's what I'm gonna be doing is it?" John Paul hadn't been able to keep the surprised delight from his eyes but his question had still given Craig reason to pause.

"If you want," Craig had replied quietly, "It IS what you want isn't it?"

Craig murmured slightly in his sleep, his arm automatically seeking to pull the warmth of John Paul's body closer to him as slumber's hold on him started to seep away.

John Paul's fingers ran thorough the softness of Craig's hair as the man's sleepy eyes flickered open. There was nowhere in the world he would rather be than wherever Craig Dean was and John Paul was grateful he had been given a second chance to realise that fact.

"Morning," Craig said groggily as his lips grazed a kiss over John Paul's cheek.

John Paul smiled. It was incredible how much one look into the depths of Craig's rich brown eyes could make him feel. Just one glance from those eyes and John Paul's heart would race, his pulse would quicken and he would be unable to keep a bright smile from his lips. Looking at Craig, holding him and being with him, those were the things that made life worthwhile, the things that made John Paul remember what happiness was, remember what love was and remember who he was.

"You look miles away," Craig said, tracing his fingers over the soft curve of John Paul's lips.

John Paul kissed the fingertips at his mouth. "I guess I was."

"What were you thinking about?"

"You…"

"What about me?"

"I was just thinking how gorgeous you are… how amazing… how glad I am to be here."

"John Paul!" Craig's cheek flushed softly at the praise and his eyes shone brightly with the effects of the love he could feel from the man who was holding him warmly.

"It's true," John Paul insisted, "And don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise."

Closing his eyes Craig pressed his face into the comfort of John Paul's chest. They both knew who he meant by 'anyone' and there were times when Craig could still hear Lee's derisive comments and putdowns, there were times when he struggled to shake of the feelings that those words had instilled in him, but more and more John Paul's love was drowning out those memories and replacing them with a strength that Craig had forgotten he possessed.

---

For three days he'd been waiting, watching, biding his time. For three days he'd felt his anger and frustration build until it was almost impossible to control. For three days he had meticulously planned what he was going to do the next time he got his hands on Craig, enjoying the planning almost as much as he knew he would enjoy carrying it out. He could hardly wait to hear Craig beg again, to see the fear in his eyes and to watch him crumble like the weak pathetic creature that he was. But this time when Craig begged him to stop Lee had no intention of listening. Craig was sullied now, worthless to him. Lee didn't want him back; he just wanted him to suffer.

---

"How does black tea grab you?" John Paul asked with a grimace as he pulled the empty milk bottle from the fridge.

Craig pulled a disgusted face in response as he looked into the dark pools of liquid sitting in two mugs. "I don't think so," he said, taking a sip of the tea and quickly pouring the rest of it into the sink.

"Well if someone had said they'd used the last of the milk last night…" John Paul chided teasingly.

"How d'you know it was me?"

"Well it wasn't me… so unless we've had the kind of burglars who only come around to drink all the milk!"

"Fine," Craig pouted, the shine in his eyes belying the hurt expression of his face. "I suppose I'll go to the shop and get some more."

John Paul hesitated. For an irrational moment he didn't want Craig to leave the flat. Even though the local shop was barely a five-minute walk away John Paul had the urge to ask him not to go, to offer to go instead, to do anything that would keep Craig safe. But Craig wasn't a child and John Paul knew that he had to let the man out of his sight again some time; this was as good a moment as any.

"You might as well get some more bread while you're there," John Paul said, hoping that he was hiding the underlying fear in his eyes well enough to mask it from Craig.

"Anything else?" Craig asked in the best 'put upon' voice he could manage.

"Well if you don't hurry up and leave I'm sure I can find a whole list of things," John Paul teased.

"Fine, fine, I'm going." Craig quickly pulled on his jacket before stopping and touching his lips softly to John Paul's cheek. "I'll be back soon," he said softly, "And don't worry… I'll be alright."

John Paul smiled as Craig left the flat, his hand touching the spot where Craig's lips had just been. He should have known he couldn't hide his worries from Craig, their connection ran too deep to be able to mask what either of them were really feeling.

Taking a deep breath John Paul prepared himself for a wait. Craig might only be going to the shop but it still gave John Paul a deep gnawing fear in the pit of his stomach and he wished that he could understand where that fear was coming from.

---

Craig took a deep breath of the warm fragrant air as he stepped into the sun-drenched street. The vibrancy contrasted sharply against the constant gloom of the corridor that led outside and Craig shielded his eyes, squinting slightly as he adjusted to the brightness that assaulted his senses.

His lips were curved in a soft smile as he started to walk, the memory of John Paul's concern warming him as surely as the rays from the mid-morning sun. He'd forgotten how it felt to have someone care about him that completely, to know that there was someone there looking out for him, even when he didn't need it.

Craig shivered as he turned into a side street that led directly to the small row of shops, the narrow street was half bathed in shadow and had always given Craig an eerie feeling of being watched.

"Craig."

The voice cut sharply into Craig's thoughts, the sound of his name chilling him as if all the warmth that he had been enjoying was suddenly leeched away.

Craig's steps stumbled to an ungainly halt as his legs became too heavy to move and he felt frozen to the spot. The sudden hand on his shoulder made him tremble as the fingers dug painfully into his flesh.

"I've been waiting for you." Lee walked slowly around Craig's stationery figure until they were standing face to face.

Craig swallowed heavily, Lee's dark eyes blazed with a fury much more fierce than any he could remember and a rich bruise glowed around his mouth where John Paul's fist had connected. Craig's lips moved but no sound came out. Every ounce of fear and self doubt that he thought was gone crashed back down on top of him until he felt pinned to the spot by its weight, waiting for Lee's next move, waiting for Lee's punishment.

"I suppose you think you got the better of me?" Lee said calmly, "You and that little friend of yours…"

"No… I… I…" Craig stammered as Lee's hand pressed against his chest, seemingly stealing all of the air from his lungs.

"Do you not know me by now Craig? Did you really think I'd just walk away… that I'd let you go just like that?" Lee stepped slowly forward as he spoke until his face was only inches from Craig's. "Did you?"

"I… I don't know… I didn't think…"

"Of course you didn't think… thinking never was something you were very good at… screwing up that's all you know how to do isn't it Craig? Making me angry… making me want to hurt you…"

"Lee please…" Craig hated the pitiful sound of his own voice but felt unable to stop himself from saying the things he knew Lee wanted to hear. "Please don't… I'm sorry Lee… I didn't mean to…"

"I don't care Craig… I don't care what you meant… I don't care about YOU… You're nothing to me, you never were, a convenient fuck when I didn't get a better offer, and believe me I got plenty of better offers… but then you knew that didn't you… you knew I was out screwing anyone I liked while you waited patiently for me to get home… because you knew there is much better out there than you." As he spoke Lee slowly pushed Craig backwards until his back hit against the cold hard stone of the wall.

"What are you gonna do?" Craig asked breathlessly, his whole body trembling with fear as Lee held him firmly against the wall by his shoulders.

"I'm gonna remind you how pathetic you are… I'm gonna remind you that you belong to me and that I can do anything I want to you… and then I'm gonna fuck you… because I can… and because that's all that you're worth… don't let that pretty boy of yours tell you any different, he knows as well as I do… you're just a convenience piece of ass useful for a quick fuck… that's all you'll ever be, nobody could ever love something as pathetic as you."

Lee's chest rose and fell with heavy breaths. The look of fear and worthlessness in Craig's eyes was the greatest turn on he had ever known and he ached to see how much further he could push the man, curious to know if forcing himself inside that body there in the side street before throwing him to the ground would be enough to quench that deep seated loathing. Would it ever be enough?

Craig closed his eyes his heart was racing with fear, but it wasn't just fear.

"You're wrong."

"What did you just say to me?" Lee couldn't believe his ears. Craig had dared to answer him back, Craig never answered him back, because he knew better, he had been taught better.

"I said you're wrong," Craig repeated, opening his eyes again and looking directly into the darkly frightening pools of Lee's bitter gaze. At that moment Craig might be afraid but it was a different kind of fear, because he knew he wasn't alone. "John Paul loves me."

There was a bitterness in Lee's laugh. "Oh I'm sure he says he does… you know how it is… anything for a quick shag… no matter how rubbish…"

"You're wrong." Craig was surprised to see that Lee seemed shorter than he remember until he realised, possibly for the first time, that he was standing up straight, looking directly at the man who seemed to revel in other people's misery.

Lee's hand slid from Craig's shoulder to his throat, pressing lightly against it but barely able to control the urge, the need, to squeeze harder.

"You're nothing," Lee spat into Craig's face.

"You're wrong."

"You're worthless." Lee's grip tightened.

"You're wrong."

"You belong to me until I decide I've finished with you."

The ever-increasing pressure against his throat caused Craig's gagging reflex to kick in and he could see the sick pleasure glinting in Lee's eyes as he struggled to pull the air into his lungs.

"_I was just thinking how gorgeous you are… how amazing… how glad I am to be here."_

Craig knew it must have been a warm breeze but, for a second, he felt certain that it was John Paul's breath he could feel whispering in his ear.

Lee gasped in shock as he staggered backwards. He couldn't remember Craig ever having the strength or the courage to push him away like that. He might beg or plead but if Lee had wanted something Craig had never tried to stop him before.

"I belong to no one," Craig said confidently, the fear in his chest being quickly replaced by disgust as he looked at the man who he had allowed to menace him for too long. "But I choose John Paul… I love John Paul."

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Lee snarled as he raised his hand to strike down the man that dared defy him.

With reactions that he didn't know he possessed Craig grabbed Lee's fist before it struck, his grip around the man's hand tight and unyielding.

"I'm Craig Dean… I don't know who or what you are." With a shove Craig sent Lee crashing back against the wall and watched with satisfaction at the uncertainty that seemed to cross over Lee's features.

Lee couldn't believe what was happening. This wasn't the way things should be; it wasn't the way he had planned. Craig should be whimpering by now and begging Lee to stop, not this sudden show of strength. Moving away from the wall Lee growled deeply in his throat, he couldn't let things end like this, he had to make Craig sorry, to make him suffer and, best of all, make him bleed.

"Craig Dean is a snivelling pathetic little…" Lee's words were cut short as a fist smashed hard into his mouth, the sharp metallic taste of blood filling it instantly as he lost his balance and crumpled to the ground.

"Craig Dean is so much better than you," Craig said as he looked at the spattering of blood across his knuckles. There was a satisfaction to be gained from finally hitting back but not a pleasure, and it sickened him to think he had shared his bed, and his body, with a man who would enjoy such pleasures.

"You're pathetic," Lee snarled, spitting the blood from his mouth.

"I'm not the one on the ground bleeding."

"Not this time maybe…"

"Never again…"

"You think you've beaten me?"

"I don't need to beat you Lee," Craig told him, "You're not that important."

With a deep cleansing breath Craig turned away, there was somewhere he would much rather be and someone he would rather be with.

"This isn't over," Lee called after him.

Craig paused for a second and turned to look back. "I think we both know it is…"

---

John Paul was pacing the length of the flat and glancing at his watch every few seconds. Craig had been gone fifteen minutes already, the walk to the shop was only five minutes each way so why was he not back yet, and why was the burning fear in the pit of his stomach growing second upon second?

The sound of a key scraping against the lock was like the sweetest piece of music John Paul had ever heard, a tune that told him of Craig's safe return home.

Craig's smile illuminated his face as he walked into the flat, as if he had brought the bright morning sunshine inside with him and, as his eyes settled on John Paul, his smile grew even more dazzling.

"Milk?" John Paul asked as he noticed the absence of shopping in Craig's hands.

"Ahh… I forgot…"

"Forgot? How could you…" John Paul stopped as he saw the deep red stain on Craig's knuckles. "You're bleeding…"

Looking at his hand Craig shook his head. "It's not mine."

"Then who… what?"

"Lee."

John Paul felt the room spin. He should never have let Craig go out alone, he knew the dangers but he still let him go. If Lee hurt him again, if Lee had… John Paul let his thoughts readjust for a moment. Craig had blood on his hand that wasn't his and that could only mean one thing.

"You hit him?" John Paul asked with wide-eyed amazement.

"Yeah… yeah I did… and you know what?"

"What?"

"He's not so scary!"

"No. No he really isn't." John Paul couldn't believe how proud he felt of the dark haired man standing before him. He felt overwhelmed by the glow deep inside Craig's eyes, stunned by how strong the man looked, how confident and how incredibly beautiful.

"Tell me you love me," Craig said quietly as he stepped forward and took both of John Paul's hands in his own.

"You know I do."

"I know… but I like to hear it."

"Craig Dean you are gorgeous," John Paul began with a deep smile, "and smart and funny and sexy and… and I thank all the gods in heaven every day for giving me this chance to be with you again… I love you Craig, more than I ever knew was possible… and I'm gonna carry on loving you for as long as you'll let me."

Craig tightened his grip on John Paul's hands, sending a shooting pain racing through the still unhealed cut that ran through the centre of the blonde man's palm but John Paul hardly noticed. Craig was holding him tightly, the Craig Dean that he had loved since the day they first met and would love for the rest of his life. What was a little discomfort compared to that?

Craig's eyes held a dark magic that made it impossible for John Paul to move even a fraction of an inch. If he had wanted to move that was, if there had been another place on the planet that he would rather have been standing at that moment in time, which of course there wasn't.

John Paul had cursed himself for not noticing on the first day he arrived in Dublin, for not seeing the dullness that lingered behind the richness of Craig's eyes, for not being able to see that there was something missing, that there was something not quite right. But any strange behaviour, any differences he might have perceived that day had been quickly dismissed as Craig's anger at John Paul's sudden reappearance in his life and just as quickly forgotten in the heat of the passion that had soon consumed them.

Craig's hold on John Paul's hands tightened as the men stood in the centre of the flat, their eyes melded together in an infusion of brown and blue that came together to create the perfect colour of love.

"Thank you," Craig said softly.

"What for?"

"Being here…"

"I should have come sooner…"

"It doesn't matter…"

"But if I had…"

"It doesn't matter…"

"Craig I am sorry… I let you down and…"

"It doesn't matter," Craig repeated firmly. "You're here now, we're here… everything else… it's done… gone… I love you John Paul McQueen and I never thought I'd get the chance to say that to you again… to show you again…"

"Show me?" John Paul's question was lost in the heat of Craig's breath as the men's mouths collided fiercely.

With his newly remembered strength Craig pushed John Paul back until he came to rest against the solidness of the door, raising the man's hands until they were held pinned above his head, never for one second breaking the contact of their lips as their tongues danced together in celebration.

Pressing his hands hard against John Paul's palm felt the brush of stitches that were holding together the skin of the hand only recently stripped of it's bandage and hesitated. Dark brown eyes flickered up in concern.

"Am I hurting you?" Craig asked, releasing his hold slightly, his eyes fixed on the angry wound across John Paul's skin.

"No," John Paul replied, "No you're not…"

"Are you sure… cause I don't want to…"

Curling his fingers tightly around Craig's loosened grip John Paul smiled. "Craig," he said gently.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and kiss me!"

The sharp nagging pain through John Paul's hand was lost under the intense pleasure of Craig's kiss and the weight of Craig's body pressing him hard against the door until he could feel every delicious curve of the man.

Craig felt as if his heart was ready to burst through his chest it was racing so fast. Nothing had ever felt as exciting as kissing John Paul did at that moment, nothing had ever tasted as wonderful as John Paul's lips and nothing have ever made him feel more alive or more complete than the knowledge of John Paul's love.

"God nobody's ever turned me on as much as you do," Craig said breathlessly as he pressed his groin hard against John Paul's growing arousal, making the younger man groan in pleasurable frustration.

Releasing his hold of John Paul's hands Craig began to tear at the man's jeans, releasing his belt and quickly slipping open the button that obstructed his much needed access. John Paul gasped as Craig's hand plunged into his boxers, grasping his erection firmly, his eyes sparkling as he observed the look of abandoned desire in the deep blue of John Paul's gaze.

The weight of John Paul's arms slowly encouraged them to fall from where Craig had left them stretched above his head and, as his hands came close to Craig's face he paused to brush his fingertips lightly over Craig's soft cheeks.

"Did I mention how gorgeous you are?" John Paul breathed as he fell into the mesmerising, exciting depths of Craig deep dark eyes.

"I think so," Craig whispered in reply, enjoying the sensation of making John Paul's body tremble at his touch, watching the man's soft blue eyes darken second by second as the strength of his desire grew.

"Good… because you are," John Paul gasped softly as Craig fingers tightened around him, "God Craig I…"

The ability to form any further coherent words escaped John Paul as Craig's grip moved slowly but deliberately up and down his length, making every nerve in his body spark with fire until he thought his legs might give way.

There was a serene confidence in Craig's smile as he teased John Paul's flesh into submission, he knew for certain, with no further hesitations or doubts, that this was the life he wanted, the love he wanted and he was never going to let anyone take it from him again.

"I want you so much John Paul," Craig said quietly as his lips traced kisses over John Paul's face before settling against the man's delicious mouth to kiss him with a fervour that left them both gasping for air and shaking with a total overwhelming need for each other.

"Make love to me," Craig said, almost begged, "I need you to… you have to… please I…"

"Craig what is it?" Looking into Craig's dark eyes John Paul could see something more than love, more than desire or lust and he could hear the desperation in Craig's voice for something he didn't understand.

"I need you to claim me back," Craig whispered, "I need you to take back what's yours… what always was yours."

"Oh Craig…"

"Take it away John Paul," Craig said, kissing John Paul's lips gently, "Take away the memories that he was ever inside me… take me back to being just us again."

"I love you so much Craig," John Paul said as the man stepped back from him, the heat of his hand slipping from John Paul's hungry flesh as he reached to pull his top from over his head.

Within a matter of minutes the floor was strewn with clothing and the two men reached for each other's naked bodies, holding together in a tight embrace as they kissed with the passion of long lost, reunited lovers. Which is how they felt. Which is what they were.

Deep moans mingled with hot breaths as the men pressed their bodies tightly together, hard throbbing erections rubbing together in earnest until the desire within them both threatened to ignite the room.

Without comment Craig took John Paul's place against the door, kissing his lover again before turning to face the smooth creaminess of the paintwork. His need for John Paul ran so much deeper than a physical desire. He needed to put the last memories of Lee from his mind, to replace the moments that Lee was inside him with the recollection of being possessed by John Paul, of being claimed by John Paul, the man who truly loved him.

Kissing the back of Craig's neck softly John Paul let his hands run over the tempting roundness of the man's buttocks, squeezing them firmly to the appreciative sighs that escaped from Craig's parted lips.

"I've never loved anyone like I love you," John Paul breathed as he continued to nuzzle into the warm flesh of Craig's neck. "I've never wanted anyone like I want you…"

John Paul's kisses trailed over Craig's broad back, his tongue tickling over Craig's shoulder blades and down his spine as he slowly sank to his knees, a gasp of pleasure filling the room as John Paul's tongue slipped between the cheeks that his hands held parted and lapped gently at the tight opening nestled between.

Craig's fingers clawed at the door and he closed his eyes giving himself to the absolute pleasure that John Paul's firm tongue was providing, pushing gently inside him and swirling slowly around as the man's flesh opened up to his attentions.

With every passing second John Paul's erection seemed to get harder, his all consuming desire for Craig almost making his head spin until he could hold back no longer. Getting slowly to his feet John Paul moistened his palm before stroking over the length of his throbbing cock and guiding its head against the opening that his tongue had prepared.

Craig gasped again as he felt the tip of John Paul's cock pushing into him, breaching the tight ring of muscle before his body seemed to pull the man inside hungrily. Craig couldn't have said if he felt that initial discomfort that usually came with such intrusion into his body. All he was certain of was John Paul pushing firmly inside him, making love to him the way it should be.

John Paul had been with a few other men since Craig but, as he sank deep into the heat of the man's tight passage, he couldn't remember one of them. He was certain that nothing had ever felt like this, no one's body had ever accommodated his length to such perfection. No other body in the world was made to match his own so completely.

With a slow, gentle motion John Paul began to move inside Craig's hot flesh, both men moaning softly at the exquisite pleasure that flowed through their bodies.

With one hand on Craig's hips John Paul reached around the man's frame to grip onto the hard length of his cock, stroking it tightly and firmly in time with the thrusts of his hips that drove his own cock ever deeper into the beauty of Craig's body.

Craig's moans grew louder as the thickness of John Paul's cock filled him completely, caressing over that most perfect of spots time and time again as his hand ran up and down the length of his erection until the pleasure was almost too much to bare.

John Paul sank his teeth into the sweetness of Craig neck as he moved faster and deeper into the man, the sounds of their combined moans as their flesh became one filled the room and John Paul could feel his body screaming for release as the tightness of Craig's body begged to be filled with his essence.

"Oh god John Paul I… fuck I'm gonna…" Craig's words fell from his mouth in desperate pants as his whole body shuddered, "Tell me again how much you love me."

"More than anything or anyone," John Paul insisted with harder and faster thrusts inside Craig, his hand gripping the man's cock tighter as it began to pulse heavily with the first moments of Craig's climax.

"I love you Craig… I love you… I…" John Paul's words were lost in his mouth as the sounds of his moans of pleasure took over, his legs shaking as his orgasm built quickly inside him until there was no option but to release it.

Craig's cock throbbed out its desire in John Paul's hand, the heat of his pleasure pouring from it as Craig cried out in total abandon, neither knowing nor caring if the occupants of the other flats could hear him as he rested his head against the door and let his climax rip through every atom of his body.

The sounds of John Paul's pleasured cries blended with Craig's in a chorus of pure satisfaction as he came hard and fast inside Craig's body, filling the man with the heat of his desire until they were both completely spent.

Panting and breathless John Paul let his body fall against Craig's back, the support of the door the only thing keeping them both upright as weakness took over their contented bodies.

"I love you Craig," John Paul panted against Craig's ear as he fought to pull much needed air back into his lungs.

"I love you too John Paul," Craig replied as a small, happy tear trickled over his cheek. He was John Paul's again, and this time it would be forever.


	6. Chapter 6

"So where exactly are we going?" Craig asked as he laced his fingers between John Paul's.

John Paul smiled as he felt the warm hand against his own. It was remarkable to think that less than a year ago Craig would have flinched away from such overtly public contact and now he instigated it, or maybe it was now that he needed it.

"I told you," John Paul replied with a grin. "To the pub."

"But… there's one closer this way," Craig insisted, stopping in his tracks and attempting to head back in the direction they had just come from.

"I don't want to go to that one." 

"OK… so you've been in Dublin just over a week and already you know better pubs than me?"

"Something like that," John Paul said with a deep smile that sparkled in his eyes and across his face.

"So what's so special about this pub of yours anyway?" Craig asked after a few more paces.

"Not sure really… nothing… I just… there's someone I'd like you to meet."

"Yeah? Who?"

"You'll see…"

"So what's it called?"

"Hmm?"

"The pub? It's name?"

John Paul stopped suddenly with a frown. He could remember vividly the walk that had lead him to the pub a few days earlier, he could remember the sight and the smell of the place and he could especially remember the image of his blood pooling on the surface of the table. But at no point did he recall ever seeing the pub's name or hearing it mentioned.

John Paul shrugged before setting off again. "No idea," he confessed cheerfully.

"Great," Craig complained jokingly. "A magical mystery tour!"

John Paul shivered as he stepped through the doors into the pub. Although it had only been a few days since his last, and only, visit to that bar so much had changed in his life during those days that he almost felt as if he was stepping back in time.

It was with a satisfied smile that John Paul spotted a familiar figure wiping a cloth along the surface of the long wooden bar. The man's pale blonde hair seemed to glisten in the late afternoon sun that was shining through the large windows and his light coloured eyes, definitely blue John Paul decided, seemed to come alive with a deep smile when they caught John Paul's gaze.

"John Paul!" Liam greeted warmly as he reached a hand out over the bar. "How's the hand?"

"Better," John Paul replied, taking the offered hand and shaking it warmly, grateful to be able to share the gesture with the man who had set him on the road to salvation, both for himself and for Craig.

"Glad to hear it," Liam grinned before turning his gaze to the slightly bewildered dark haired man standing at John Paul's side. "And is this…"

John Paul's smile widened as he released Liam's grip and placed his hand proudly on Craig's shoulder.

"Yeah… this is Craig… and Craig this is Liam."

With a half-smile and a nod Craig shook hands with the curiously attractive barman that John Paul seemed to know so well. Craig looked back and forward between the two men as they shared a smile that related to some secret he had no knowledge of and felt an irrational surge of jealousy rush through him.

Who was this Liam anyway that he should be greeting Craig's boyfriend so warmly? Craig couldn't help but allow himself a small internal smile as he connected the word boyfriend with John Paul for the first time since that terrible day last September. But that didn't cancel out the fact that he didn't like the way Liam was smiling at John Paul, knowing something that he didn't and being party to some aspect of John Paul's life that Craig knew nothing about.

"How about I get you guys a drink," Liam suggested brightly.

"That'd be great," John Paul replied. "Thanks."

"But not whiskey this time eh?"

Craig growled inwardly as John Paul laughed at the barman's words. What the hell was so funny about not wanting whiskey?

"Why don't you get yourselves a seat… I'll bring them over… two pints yeah?" Liam smiled as he spoke, a warm genuine smile that Craig desperately wanted to find fault with but somehow couldn't.

"That'd be great Liam… thanks." Returning the barman's smile John Paul led Craig towards a table located by the window. 

For a moment John Paul expected to see traces of his blood still lingering on the table's surface, but all evidence of his accident had since been duly cleaned away and the only remaining proof of the incident was the deep laceration through his palm.

Settling into the facing seats around the table John Paul was surprised to see an unhappy scowl playing across Craig's features.

"Is everything OK?" John Paul asked with concern.

Without meaning to Craig's eyes flickered over to the blonde barman before resting back on John Paul's face.

Following the direction of Craig's gaze the sudden realisation hit John Paul and made him gasp back a laugh.

"Oh god Craig you're not…"

It had never even crossed John Paul's mind that Craig would feel jealous of Liam, possibly because it had never occurred to John Paul that Craig would think he had any reason to feel that way, but the look in Craig's eyes told a different story and John Paul's amusement died instantly.

John Paul's friendship with Liam left Craig feeling uncomfortable or worse, threatened, and that wasn't acceptable. He knew that he was still only aware of part of what Craig had suffered over the last few months but he was determined that, whatever else might happen, he was never going to add another second to that suffering.

John Paul reached his hands across the table and held Craig's tightly.

"Craig… whatever you're thinking… don't…"

"He was pretty happy to see you." Craig said quietly, the warmth of John Paul's touch only offering slender comfort.

"He was happy to see me… WITH YOU." John Paul replied. "Look, Craig… there are things I haven't told you… about when I did this…" John Paul lifted his cut hand as he spoke. "I did it here…"

"You never really said what happened," Craig said tilting his head slightly as he listened to John Paul's words. There was something about the man's tone that was both calming and soothing and Craig felt his discomfort of the situation melting away with each new word.

"Well what it was I… it was just after I found out about you and…" John Paul hesitated. Neither of them had spoken that man's name since the day Craig had stood up to him and John Paul felt unable to break that taboo.

"Lee…" Craig whispered, his voice still carrying a hint of pain that Lee's name had left buried deep inside him.

"Yeah… I mean I didn't know… about everything else I just… I thought you'd replaced me and I ended up here… I think my plan was pretty much to see how drunk I could get… which is why I was knocking back the whiskey!"

Craig nodded both in understanding and encouragement for John Paul to continue.

"Liam was working that day… I think he works here most days… and… I don't know… I got pretty hammered and I was holding this pint and thinking about you and… and him… and then… it had just shattered in my hand… and there was blood and glass everywhere but for some reason I just sat here… watching it…"

John Paul's eyes had come to rest on his damaged hand as he spoke, his gaze travelling the length of the cut that would always be a permanent reminder of that day, and of so much more.

"So what? Is Liam the one that patched you up then?" Craig asked, his thumb tracing a gentle path across John Paul's palm.

"Yeah… he got me to the hospital and everything… if he hadn't I think I would have happily sat here till I bled to death."

"Suppose I should thank him for saving your life then!" Craig said softly. The thought of John Paul sitting alone in that very same bar, watching the blood spilling from his wound without making any attempt to prevent it gave Craig chills. Somehow it felt like another incident of violence that could be attributed to Lee and, although the accident was days ago, to Craig it felt fresh and sharp, as if the glass were only now tearing through John Paul's soft white skin.

"Oh Craig he did so much more than that," John Paul said grabbing his boyfriend's hands tightly and squeezing as if he were afraid, at least momentarily, to let him go.

"How d'you mean?"

"I was going home Craig… I thought you didn't need me, no didn't WANT me anymore… I thought I was too late… I was ready to give up."

"So what changed?"

"After the hospital I went for a coffee with Liam… and I told him about you… about us and… and he made me see that if I loved you as much as I said… well then I should at least have the courage to stay and fight for you… Craig… if he hadn't made me think again…" John Paul left the thought unfinished but both men were all too aware of what could, and probably would, have happened if John Paul had done what he originally planned and flown home the next day.

"So what makes this Liam such an expert then?" Craig asked.

"Because he once let the love of his life get away and he hates to see other people making the same mistake." Craig jumped at the sound of Liam's voice directly behind him. "Sorry mate," Liam continued as he placed two pints on the table. "I didn't mean to listen in."

"That's OK," Craig said with a smile. A few minutes earlier Craig had looked on the attractive blonde barman with disquiet but now all he wanted to do was give the man a hug.

Getting to his feet Craig held out his hand. "Thank you," he said quietly as Liam accepted the offer, shaking the man's hand again and noticing that this time Craig's grip was stronger and the smile in his eyes far more genuine. "I mean it," Craig said, "Thank you… I think you very probably saved my life."

"Oh I don't know about that," Liam said with a shy and suddenly embarrassed laugh. The two younger men were looking at him with such intensity that he thought, for a moment, they were both about to kiss him.

"I do," Craig replied, gripping the man's shoulder firmly for a second as his gaze moved to John Paul's. "If John Paul hadn't come back for me… trust me, you'll never know what you did."

Craig sank back into his seat, his gaze was firmly fixed on the face of the beautiful blue-eyed angel that rescued him from the clutches of hell and his hands quickly sought the security of the man's gentle hold.

Liam watched the two men for a few moments. He could tell that they had already forgotten his presence and, rather than being annoyed at such dismissal, Liam found himself smiling, it was good to know that true love could win out sometimes and for some people. 

The late afternoon streets of Dublin were alive. Crowds bustled between shops and bars and businesses, rushing this way and that through the busy city streets.

Hardly anyone noticed the two young men as they walked quietly together. Their fingers were laced in a gentle hold and their faces held smiles of soft contentment that each man, at one time or another, had doubted they would ever feel again.

"Let's go home," Craig said after ten minutes of silence.

"That is where we're going," John Paul replied.

Craig stopped and turned to face John Paul. His deep brown eyes were bright and serious as he spoke.

"No… I mean HOME."

"What like… like Hollyoaks home?"

"Yeah… take me home John Paul."

"But what about Trinity… what about your studies?" John Paul's brow creased with concern but there was no hint of doubt in the chocolate eyes that observed him.

"None of that matters anymore… I've wanted to go home so many times John Paul… I was just afraid to admit it wasn't working… afraid to admit I'd failed…"

"Dublin was your dream."

"But it isn't anymore," Craig said sadly. "It's just a bad memory… let's go home and start making some happy ones."

John Paul smiled as he realised the sincerity of Craig's request and then, with a deliberate exaggeration he looked at his watch.

"Hmm I wonder," John Paul mused pointedly.

"What?"

"What d'you think the chances are we can get a flight tonight?"

"Idiot," Craig laughed as he pushed the younger man playfully. "Besides… I had a few other things in mind for tonight!"

"Did you really think that that was it? I mean honestly… you land one lucky punch and you think that I'm just gonna walk away… do you not know me at all Craig? You don't leave me… I leave you… and only when I decide I'm finished with you… I'm not finished yet Craig… not yet."

The voice felt like cold fingers down Craig's spine. He hadn't turned around when Lee started talking, appearing as if from nowhere, as if he'd been waiting for another moment to get Craig alone. But at the same time Craig couldn't find the ability to walk away. He stood, paralysed to the spot, trying to draw the strength from John Paul's love, the same strength that had helped him last time.

"No clever come back Craig?" Lee's voice was even closer and Craig flinched as a hand rested on his shoulder but there was no force in the grip instead it was almost gentle, caressing, and Craig no reason to resist as Lee turned him around slowly.

"I miss you Craig… that's all…" Lee smiled, his deep dark eyes filled with sadness and regret and for a moment Craig could almost see the man he had once thought Lee was, before everything else, before he learned the truth. "We were good weren't we? We were in love…"

"That was never love," Craig whispered, his voice seemed to crack as he spoke and he felt far more vulnerable than he ever had when faced with Lee's violence.

"It felt like love to me," Lee insisted as he stroked both hands gently over Craig's shoulders and tickled his fingers softly at Craig neck. "It felt like love when we would curl up in bed on a Sunday and just enjoy being together… it felt like love when I held you close… and kissed you… when you pulled me on top of you and begged me to make love to you… It feels like love now when I look into your eyes and know that you can remember how good all that felt too… it could be like that again Craig… I know that I did some stuff I shouldn't… but I love you… we can get past all of that…"

"No," shrugging off Lee's touch Craig took a single step backward. "You can't do this… you can't pretend like nothing happened… I'm not scared of you anymore…"

"I never wanted you to be…"

"That's ALL you ever wanted…"

"I just wanted to love you… I still do…"

"You don't know what love is… What I've got now… with John Paul… that's love…"

"Him?" A slight sneer crept into Lee's voice. "The guy who broke your heart… who left you to come to Dublin alone… who thought he deserved better than you… now he's back and everything is gonna be happy ever after is it?"

"I love him," Craig said, his eyes downcast as each of Lee's words struck him like a blow. He wished he had never told Lee about John Paul, but he'd needed someone to confide in, someone he could trust and at first Lee had felt like that person.

"Does he make you feel like I can?" Lee asked moving quickly against Craig until there was barely a hairs breadth between them. "Does he make you scream when you come so hard you can't even remember your own name? Does he make you beg to be fucked cause you want it so bad?"

"He makes me feel safe," Craig replied calmly, "And loved… and wanted… and worthwhile… and important… and yeah…" Leaning forward Craig whispered in Lee's ear tauntingly. "He makes me come harder and longer than you ever could… and I don't need to beg him because he always knows what I want… and he always knows how to give it to me… John Paul is…"

In the past Craig had always known when he had overstepped the mark with Lee, he had always been able to tell when the man was about to flip and usually tried to get himself out of the firing line if possible. But Craig's new found confidence and strength had blinded him to the signs until he felt the fingers closing tightly around his throat, his back slammed up against the wall and the air pushed forcefully from his lungs.

"Is that supposed to be funny?" Lee snarled into Craig's face. The earlier gentle look from his eyes was replaced with the more familiar anger and Craig's fear rushed into his body to welcome back the situation it recognised. "I tried to be nice Craig… I tried to make you understand but you just don't want to listen do you? You never listen Craig… that's why I always have to show you… you make me do these things… you know you do…"

"Lee let me go," Craig's voice came out in frantic gasps as the grip around his throat tightened. He knew he should be fighting back, he knew he should be able to fight back but somehow he couldn't, he didn't seem to remember how and the tighter Lee's held became the weaker Craig felt as his airflow became more and more restricted.

Craig's eyes searched frantically to the end of the street. Where was John Paul? They were supposed to have met up ten minutes ago, why wasn't John Paul worried, why wasn't he looking for Craig and why wasn't he there when Craig needed him?

"Oh Craig…" Lee said in a low, almost regretful tone, "It could have been so different but you were always so weak… HE did that to you Craig… HE was the one who made you feel worthless. I know you blamed me but it was HIM… He was the one that left you Craig… not me… I only ever wanted to love you."

"No," Craig gasped as a showering of stars danced before his eyes. He could feel the individual pressure of each finger as it squeezed tightly at his throat, the pulse of every fingertip seemed to throb against his skin or was that the throbbing of his own blood as it tried to continue it's restricted journey around his body? "That's not true… he loves me…"

"So where is he?" Lee asked quietly. "Where is he when you really need him?"

"He'll be here," Craig replied in a breathless whisper, the last of the air gone from his lungs and the tight grip around his throat preventing any more filling them. "He'll be here," Craig thought to himself as the blanket of darkness wrapped around him until there was nothing else for him to think.

"Craig… Craig… Craig are you alright?"

Craig gasped as his lungs filled with much needed air and his eyes shot open, darting around him for any signs of Lee but there were none, only more darkness.

"Craig what is it?" John Paul's voice was heavy with concern as Craig continued to gasp for air.

After a few seconds Craig's senses began to return to him, the air filling his lungs smelt warm and sweet and tantalisingly familiar and he quickly realised that he was no longer lying in the street where Lee had left him but rather he was wrapped safe in the circle of John Paul's arms.

"Lee… he… I thought he was gonna…"

"Shh it's OK," John Paul soothed, his lips brushing gently over Craig's forehead. "He can't hurt you any more…You're safe now…"

"Where were you?" Craig asked quietly.

"What d'you mean?"

"Why weren't you there… I was so scared and you weren't there…"

"Craig… I don't understand… I've been here all the time…"

As Craig's eyes adjusted to the dark he started to make out familiar sights. A large Liverpool flag was pinned to one wall, while another was decorated with an assortment of records and over in the corner lay a stack of suitcases. Craig laughed softly as the realisation hit him.

"It was just a dream," he said quietly with relief. "I thought he was really gonna kill me this time…"

John Paul tightened his hold around the trembling man in his arms. "It's alright now Craig… it's over… you never have to be scared of him again…"

"John Paul… you DO love me don't you," Craig asked hesitantly. "I mean… it won't be like before… you don't think you'll realise you still deserve more?"

"Craig!" John Paul pulled back so that he could at the face of the man he adored, even half obscured by shadows John Paul was astounded by Craig's beauty, made all the more breathtaking by the man's inability to see just how gorgeous he really was. "I love you… I made a mistake once before in letting you go… I'm never gonna do that again… ever."

Craig smiled widely. Even in the darkness of the room John Paul's blue eyes managed to sparkle brightly and there was no mistaking the sincerity of the love contained within them.

Resting his head against John Paul's chest Craig let the last of his fears melt away. There was an unequalled strength to be found in John Paul's love and Craig could feel it flowing through his veins.

Holding Craig tightly John Paul kissed the top of the man's head softly. He knew what he had almost lost in walking away from Craig once and it was something he could never face again, it was a pain he could never cope with feeling a second time.

The early morning light began to snake through a gap in the curtain, making shadows dance around the familiar room, a solitary beam resting across the small single bed that held the two men warmly in its embrace.

They had only been back in Hollyoaks for a few hours, tiptoeing into the McQueen's house so as not to wake the rest of John Paul's family. Myra had wanted to wait up and welcome her son, and his boyfriend, back home but John Paul had insisted she went to bed. Partly because he didn't want his mother to be staying up into the small hours but mainly because he wanted Craig's return to Chester to be as quiet and uneventful as possible. They both knew that they would have to face the questions soon enough but for a while they just wanted to be alone, safe and home.

"John Paul?"

"Hmm?"

"There was one thing… in my dream… something that I told Lee…"

"Yeah… what was that?"

"I told him how good you were in bed… only…"

"Only?"

"It WAS a dream… what if I was wrong!"

John Paul giggled as he spun Craig around until he was leaning over the man, his eyes bright with love and desire as their bodies pressed tightly together in the bed where their longing for each other had first consumed them.

Looking into the dark mysterious depths of Craig's rich brown eyes John Paul felt his entire body tingle with life. Nothing in the world would ever compare to the feelings he got simply from a look from that man. It wasn't just their eyes that connected at such moments; it ran far deeper than that. If it was true that the eyes are the window to the soul, then through those windows John Paul could feel his soul joining with Craig's until he no longer thought in terms of him or me, only us.

"How did I ever think I could live without you?" John Paul asked quietly, his fingertips tracing the delicate curve of Craig's soft mouth.

"Because you're crazy!" Craig replied with a smile and a small kiss to John Paul's fingers.

"You're right," John Paul agreed, "I am crazy… crazy about you…"

Craig's ability to reply was lost, and then completely forgotten, under the heat of John Paul's lips. Their mouths connecting them physically just as their eyes had done spiritually and their love had done emotionally. To the outside world they might still appear to be two separate and distinct people but there, wrapped in the passion of each other's embrace, both men knew different. Alone they had only ever been half a person but together they were complete, two halves that fitted together perfectly and two halves that could never be separated again.

Craig moaned softly into John Paul's kiss as the man's hands roamed slowly over his body, teasing the soft smooth skin with his firm, gentle caress as they explored his hips and thighs before stroking lightly over the length of Craig's rapidly growing erection.

Moving onto his side John Paul pulled back from the kiss to watch with fascination at the increasing look of arousal that glowed from Craig's eyes as his fingers teased over the head of the man's cock.

Craig's chest was already heaving with heavy breaths as he lay facing the man he adored, his body and soul completely at John Paul's mercy, safe in the knowledge that the man with the dazzling blue eyes would only ever treat them with love and respect.

John Paul let his eyes fall to Craig's gorgeous body, following the curves of the man's chest, his nipples standing out proudly as his excitement grew, and his deep olive skin glowing in the half-light of the room. Although he couldn't see them in the semi-darkness John Paul knew that a smattering of old bruises still decorated Craig's chest and he felt the pain of each one as he pressed his lips to the warmth of Craig's skin.

Closing his eyes Craig gave himself over to the tender passion of John Paul's touch. His strong firm fingers were curled tightly around Craig's cock, stroking slowly from base to tip, gently peeling back the foreskin to allow his thumb access to the sensitive head, making Craig moan loudly as he brushed his thumb over the delicate opening, circling the warm droplets of precum over the surface of the smooth head.

"Oh god John Paul…" Craig gasped as the pressure of the grip around his cock increased, sending tremors of pleasure shooting like electricity through his body.

"Look at me Craig," John Paul breathed heavily as he turned his gaze back to Craig's face. Craig's eyes flickered open, they were dark and heavy with lust and at the same time they managed to shine brightly with love. "I want to watch you when you come… I want to see how good it feels… see how good I can make you feel…"

Craig's tongue passed over his lips as he groaned softly, it all felt so incredible, John Paul's touch, his words, his love, all combined within Craig's body until it felt ready to explode with pleasure.

John Paul smiled. The darker Craig's eyes became, the louder and deeper his moans grew, the harder and faster John Paul stroked his cock until Craig's whole body shook, his climax so close that they could both feel it.

Craig's cheeks were flushed and his mouth hung slightly open as moans of excitement fell from his lips. He no longer had any control of his body, it belonged entirely to John Paul and Craig had no desire to ever claim it back.

"I love you so much Craig," John Paul said, his lips only a fraction of an inch from Craig's mouth, the heat of his words and Craig's soft cries mingling together between them.

Craig's hands were pressed against the strength of John Paul's chest, the man's heartbeat strong and fast beneath his fingers, sliding his hands upwards Craig curled them around the back of John Paul's neck, holding on tightly as John Paul's touch pushed him towards ultimate satisfaction.

John Paul couldn't tear his gaze from Craig's eyes as they widened with anticipation, his moans so loud that John Paul might have worried about them waking his family if he had been able to think of anything but how gorgeous Craig looked at that moment. 

"Oh Christ John Paul that feels so… I can't… god I'm gonna…" Craig's words tumbled from his mouth as his cock throbbed hard and heavy in the expert grip of his lover until there was nothing he could do but let John Paul know just how incredible his touch felt.

John Paul's grip tightened, his firm strokes moving faster as Craig cried out his pleasure, his cock pulsing and throbbing out it's release in wave after wave of hot desire that spattered against John Paul's belly and coated his hand. After a few seconds or hours, a heartbeat or a lifetime, Craig's shuddering body relaxed as the total physical joy it had experienced warmed him from head to toe.

For the second time that morning Craig gasped and panted as he pulled much needed air into his lungs. His eyes were glazed and it took a while for him to focus on the smile of the man beside him.

"John Paul McQueen…" Craig said gently, a hint of awe in his words, the sound of the name feeling like a worshipful prayer on his lips.

"Well?" John Paul asked.

"Well what?"

"Did I live up to the dream?"

Craig giggled softly and shook his head. "No… you were much better!"

"Glad to hear it," John Paul replied as he touched a soft kiss to Craig's lips, a kiss that quickly deepened as Craig's hands tightened around John Paul's neck, pulling him closer with a fierce passion as Craig's tongue sought out the flavour of the man he loved.

"John Paul…" Craig said quietly, "I want you… I want to taste you…"

John Paul hesitated. There was no denying that his cock was aching for Craig's attentions but at the same time he couldn't wipe the memory from his mind of holding the dark haired man as he wept, after describing the way that Lee, the evening before the confrontation that freed Craig from his violence, had held him down, forcing himself deep into Craig's throat, enjoying the way he struggled and choked beneath him.

"You don't have to Craig," John Paul said softly, his hand brushing lightly over Craig's cheek.

"I know that," Craig replied, "But I want to… I love you John Paul and I want to show you…"

"Craig I…" John Paul's body seemed to vibrate at the thought of Craig's mouth hot and warm around him, just the idea was almost enough to make him come but he couldn't help the feelings of reservation. 

"John Paul," Craig said with a smile and a mischievous glint in his eyes. "You're not trying to make me beg are you?"

"Might be nice," John Paul replied with a grin.

"Fine," Craig said with a laugh as he fell back against the bed, his head turned to one side to look at John Paul's smiling eyes. "Please John Paul I want you… Let me feel your dick in my mouth… let me suck it so hard that I make you come… I want to taste every drop of you as…"

"Shit Craig that's enough," John Paul gasped painfully. He didn't realise that anything could be so erotic as hearing those words come from Craig's lips and, as Craig reached out a hand to stroke his hard cock, all of John Paul's reservations melted away.

Straddling Craig's chest John Paul gently fed his cock into the man's eager mouth, gasping as the heat of Craig's lips enveloped him and his warm wet tongue lapped greedily at the drops of precum that were already flowing from him.

Bracing his hands against the wall John Paul let Craig dictate the pace, the man's mouth opening wider as it sucked John Paul's length deeper inside and his tongue relentlessly teasing over the sensitive flesh.

Wrapping his hand firmly around the base of John Paul's cock Craig feasted on it. Its thickness filled his mouth perfectly, precum dripping its sweet saltiness along his tongue as his head moved back and forward over it's length to the sounds of John Paul's appreciative moans.

John Paul's fingers clawed at the wall as a multitude of fireworks exploded throughout his body. The hot, wet sucking of Craig's mouth was almost unbearable it felt so good and he knew it wouldn't be long before Craig got to taste his essence fully.

With one hand still holding tightly onto John Paul's throbbing cock Craig used his other hand to gently cup the mans balls, rolling them softly in his palm as he took the length of John Paul fully into his throat. The scent of John Paul filled his nostrils and he breathed deeply against the distinctive odour that could only ever be that man.

Looking down John Paul watched as his cock sank deeply into Craig's mouth, his soft full lips stretching out to fully accommodate him as John Paul rocked his hips gently.

"Oh god Craig…" John Paul panted as the sensation of Craig's mouth pushed him rapidly over the edge until he had no choice but to fall completely into the pleasure.

Craig sucked deeply as John Paul's moans increased, his cock throbbing hotly against Craig's tongue as the first explosion of heat filled the man's mouth. 

John Paul cried out as his climax poured into Craig's mouth, a mouth that sucked in every drop hungrily until John Paul was completely drained and he moved backwards, his cock passing slowly through the lips that still gripped it, sending a fresh wave of tremors through his body.

Lying back beside his lover John Paul pulled the man close to him, the beating of their hearts vibrating against each other's chests as their mouths joined together again in a hot, gentle, passionate, loving kiss.

"Welcome home Craig," John Paul whispered quietly.

Craig simply smiled. 


	7. Chapter 7

"You OK

"You OK?" Turning from the mirror John Paul fastened the buttons on his dark blue shirt as he looked carefully at the man perched on the edge of his bed.

Craig looked small. It was as if he was trying to shrink back into the pattern of the duvet cover, wanting to become unnoticed and unnoticeable.

"Craig what is it?" John Paul asked with a soft furrow to his brow as he crouched before the man, his hands resting gently on Craig's knees as he tried to read the worries in his deep brown eyes.

"Nothing I… it's nothing…" Craig averted his eyes from the penetrating gaze of John Paul's bright blue eyes, they always seemed to see too much and know too much, it made Craig feel exposed and vulnerable. He'd had enough of feeling vulnerable.

"Craig…" John Paul placed on hand on Craig's cheek in an attempt to turn the man's face back to him but, feeling a resistance he simply stroked Craig's skin gently. "You do know I love you don't you?"

Craig smiled into the warmth of John Paul's touch. "I know," he said quietly. He couldn't seem to lift his gaze to meet John Paul's and instead he let his eyes rest on the man's feet, his interest seemingly consumed with the sight of John Paul's laces. The end of one lace hung lower than the other, already touching the ground Craig couldn't help but think John Paul would step on that before the end of the day.

With a soulful sigh Craig got to his feet, leaving John Paul still crouched by the bed he walked over to the window and looked out on the village beyond.

How many times had he stood at that window before, seeing the streets, the trees, the gardens and the people and never really noticing any of them? The window frame was cool and smooth beneath Craig's hand as he leant into the glass.

It all looked so different now. It had all changed completely since Craig had last stood on that spot. Except of course that it hadn't. Every inch of the view from John Paul's bedroom window was virtually identical to the way it had been before Craig had moved to Dublin. The only thing that had changed were the eyes looking down on it.

Sitting on the corner of the bed John Paul watched Craig in silence. The man's shoulders were hunched as his forehead pressed against the glass, as if a great weight was resting on them. Every inch of John Paul ached to be able to take away the pain that still lingered within Craig and to wipe away the memories of the past few months. But John Paul could do none of that. He could only wait and watch and be there when he was needed.

The glass before Craig's face misted with the heat of his breath, turning the outside world into soft-focus as he looked out on it. There was no denying how good it felt to be back in Hollyoaks, how right, but he knew it wasn't the end of his worries, far from it.

A heat radiated through Craig's shoulders as the weight of John Paul's hands rested lightly on them. John Paul's touch was gentle, almost hesitant, but it felt strong and confident and Craig leant back slowly until the man's arms slid tightly around his chest.

"It will be OK you know," John Paul promised, his breath tickling gently at Craig's neck.

"Will it?"

Holding Craig tighter John Paul pressed his lips into the curve of the man's neck.

"Can we not just stay here?" Craig asked with a sigh as he turned slowly to face the gentle blue of John Paul's eyes.

"Here in Hollyoaks?"

"Here in this room!"

John Paul laughed lightly. "For how long exactly."

"Oh I don't know… I was thinking 20 years should do it!"

John Paul's hands moved to cup Craig's face as he looked into the troubled depths of Craig's deep brown eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asked quietly.

Craig's eyes flicked to the floor for a second before returning to the unwavering gaze that held him strong and gave him strength.

"They know don't they?" Craig asked.

"Who? Know what?"

"Your family… they know about… him… about what I let him…" Craig's words trailed off and his eyes once again fell to the floor. Everyday that passed Craig could feel the fear that Lee had instilled in him fading away and now, with the Irish Sea between them, that threat was lessened even more. But the same couldn't be said for the deep sense of shame that still taunted him. That he had allowed himself to become so weak. That he had allowed himself to be a victim. That he had allowed it.

"Nobody thinks it was your fault Craig," John Paul said kindly, his thumbs brushing over the softness of Craig's cheeks as he spoke. For John Paul, seeking the support of his family when he had learned of Craig's plight seemed only natural. It had never crossed his mind that their knowing would make the dark haired man feel uncomfortable but he could see the unease deep in Craig's eyes and there was nothing he could do to quell it.

"But they still know," Craig said sadly as a fresh hit of shame assaulted him. The strong assertive confident McQueen family all knew how pathetic Craig Dean had become and what he had let that man do to him.

"I'm sorry," John Paul said as he pulled Craig tightly into his arms. "I never meant… I shouldn't have told them… I'm sorry… I only did it because I was so worried… because I love you…"

"I know," Craig replied, resting his head on John Paul's shoulder. It was funny how that young man's arms around him could make everything else seem that bit less important, that bit less frightening and at the same time make the world seem a touch more welcoming and a whole lot brighter.

"You ready?" John Paul asked, his hand paused on the handle of his bedroom door.

"Not really," Craig admitted with a smile. He wasn't joking when he had expressed a desire never to leave that room but at the same time he knew he had no choice but to face the world once again.

"You know I'm right here with you," John Paul said curling his fingers tightly into Craig's, a simple gesture of support and love that made Craig's heart race. "And I always will be…"

Craig nodded and, with a deep breath and tight squeeze of John Paul's hand he braced himself to face the McQueen's. "Let's do it."

* * *

The two men walked hand in hand down the stairs, John Paul a step ahead but his grip on Craig's hand never lessening for a second. Craig was relieved, when the got to the bottom, to see only two members of the family seated in the living room.

Myra got to her feet as Jacqui turned her head to observe the arrival of the two young men.

John Paul's grip tightened, feeling Craig shrink back slightly as Myra approached.

The matriarch looked at her son for a moment. It had been a long time since she'd seen a smile on his face that radiated so deeply within his eyes and there had been a time when she had feared she would never see one again. Myra knew without question the reason for her son's happiness and, despite some deep seated reservations she might feel, she couldn't help but be glad that John Paul had found a reason to smile again, even if that reason had once broken his heart.

"Welcome home son." Myra said with a smile that equalled that of her son's.

Craig took another step back to allow mother and son a moment together and it was then that he realised Myra's words hadn't been directed at John Paul.

"Th…thanks…" Craig stammered with uncertainty. Craig hadn't know what kind of welcome he could anticipate but the warmth in Myra's eyes was enough to push some of his doubts aside.

"Look Craig," Myra said, placing her hands on the young man's shoulders and looking him squarely in the eyes. "What happened before… with you and our John Paul…"

"I'm sorry about that I…"

"Let me finish eh?" Myra said with a laugh. "Like I was saying… what happened in the past… it's in the past… and as long as you treat him right… well that's all I'll ask of you."

"I will… god I really will… I promise."

Myra smiled a warm and welcoming smile as she pulled Craig into her arms. "Welcome home son," she said again quietly.

It had broken Myra's heart to hear her son sobbing down the phone a few days ago as he explained to her about Craig, but it wasn't until she saw the look in the young man's chocolate eyes that she really understood how much he had suffered.

Myra had once blamed Craig Dean for breaking her son's heart but she knew, without doubt, that the Craig Dean in her arms wasn't the same Craig Dean that had cheated on his fiancé with her son. This was a young man that her son loved unconditionally and who, she was certain, loved him in return. This was a young man who had suffered probably more than she would ever really know. And this was a young man who needed her family's support and now that he was home he would get it.

Craig pressed his face into the warmth of Myra's embrace. He was home.

* * *

"So Craig… when are you going to see your mum?"

Craig winced at the question and his grip on the warm hand holding his tightened. He knew that seeing Frankie was something he had to do, he hadn't even told her he was quitting Trinity and coming home, but it wasn't something he was looking forward to doing, nor was it something he wanted to do.

John Paul smiled his reassurance at the nervous man sat beside him on the sofa. If and when they went to see Craig's mother it would be Craig's choice in Craig's time, but one thing was for certain, whenever he was ready he wouldn't be going alone.

"I'm not sure," Craig said in response to Myra's question.

"Don't let her find out you're home from somebody else," Myra said kindly, "That's not fair on her… she IS still your mother."

"I know I… it's just…" Craig glanced around the three members of the McQueen family who had each, in their own way, contributed to his salvation and he knew that he would never be able to pay any of them back they way they deserved. He could see the sympathy in the eyes of the two women and, although it was well meant, it still made him feel small but worse than that, it made him realise that they knew things his own family didn't. They knew things that he wasn't sure he could ever face telling his own mother about.

"She doesn't know," Craig said quietly with his eyes downcast, "I mean about any of it… about… him and… and I don't want her to…"

"Craig," Myra's tone was understanding but firm as she spoke, her hand resting lightly on his arm. "You can't keep something like this from her… she'd want to know… she'd want to help you… I know I would if it was one of my kids."

"I can't," Craig turned his eyes to Myra, pleading with her to understand and to keep his secrets. "Please Myra I can't… she's been through so much already what with Jake and everything… she doesn't need this and I… I can't face her knowing how I… what I…" Craig's voice broke and a glistening of unshed tears sparkled in his deep brown eyes.

"Mum it's not up to us," John Paul said calmly. "If Craig doesn't want his family to know then we have to respect that…"

Myra looked into her son's eyes and understood far more than his words conveyed. It wasn't just Craig's wishes that John Paul was asking his mother to respect but Craig himself.

Myra nodded her agreement. She could see in the soft blue of John Paul's eyes an echo of Craig's pain and she knew that she couldn't be the person to add to that pain by taking any more of Craig choices or self respect from him.

"I think you're wrong Craig," Myra said gently, "But it's your decision and if you don't want Frankie to know then no one from this house will breath a word… I promise you that."

"Thank you," Craig said with a genuine smile that sparkled in his eyes just as his tears had done.

"Thanks," John Paul mouthed silently to his mother. He knew she didn't approve of secrets, especially within families, which made her agreement to keep Craig's all the more meaningful. Casting his eyes to his boyfriend John Paul felt a moment of sadness for the man he loved so completely. His heart ached at the thought of the months that Craig had suffered in silence, the times he must have lied to his family and told them everything was OK and the occasions he must have wanted to break down and ask for their help, but pride, or fear, or shame prevented him.

"How about I stick the kettle on," Jacqui said with a ruby smile as she got to her feet.

"I'll give you a hand," John Paul offered instinctively, but he was restrained from rising by Craig's grip on his arm.

"Let me," Craig said quietly, casting a nervous glance towards the frighteningly strong woman who had always intimidated him. John Paul raised his eyebrows at the offer. "I want to," Craig assured him as he rose to follow Jacqui into the kitchen.

"Get us the milk would you?" Jacqui asked as she filled the kettle.

Craig looked at her with uncertainty and he shuffled his feet nervously.

"In the fridge!" Jacqui suggested with an amused smile. She was used to young men acting so apprehensively around her, she knew that she could come across as intimidating and normally she worked to enhance the fierce reputation she had gained. But after listening to the pain and tears in her brother's voice as he told her what Craig had been dealing with, what had been happening to him for months, Jacqui felt the need to try and put Craig at his ease. "Craig," she said with a kind smile, "The milk… in the fridge…"

"Yeah… yeah sorry…" Craig stammered as a pink blush rose to his cheeks and he fumbled with the fridge door in an attempt to hide his embarrassment.

Placing the milk down on the counter Craig watched as Jacqui dropped tea bags into four mugs. Licking his lips nervously Craig opened his mouth to speak and then changed his mind. Despite the fact that she was John Paul's sister there was something so menacing about Jacqui McQueen that the very sight of her heavily glossed mouth made Craig unsure of himself. Swallowing hard he took a deep breath and tried again.

"Err Jacqui… I… err…"

Jacqui stopped making the drinks to turn and look at him. His deep chocolate eyes that were framed with remarkably long lashes appeared to be so much older than his years, far older than the young man who had once stood in the McQueen's living room declaring his love for John Paul.

Jacqui smiled softly and tilted her head slightly to one side. "Go on…" she encouraged.

"Well the thing is… I mean… Look I know you never really liked me…"

"That's not true," Jacqui lied.

"Isn't it?"

"Look it wasn't so much you I didn't like… more the situation you and our John Paul ended up in…"

"You mean the situation I force him into…" Craig said turning his gaze to the counter top to avoid Jaqcui's unwavering gaze.

"Look Craig… you could never have forced John Paul into anything he didn't want… he loved you… loves you… I might not have liked what you did… but that doesn't mean I don't understand WHY you did it."

"I wish things could have been different," Craig sighed, a comment aimed more to himself than to Jacqui.

"It doesn't matter any more," Jacqui said with a gentle touch to Craig's arm that made him jump at the unexpected physical contact. Jacqui snapped back her hand instantly as John Paul's description of how Craig would sometimes flinch from his touch echoed through her mind, but a small appreciative smile on Craig's lips told her that his reaction was more one of surprise rather than fear.

"Look… Jacqui… what I wanted to say was… it's just… I don't know… thank you I guess… just thank you." Craig chewed thoughtfully on his lips. Those few simple words went no where near expressing what he really felt or wanted to say, but the ability to say anything more meaningful or articulate eluded him.

"What are you thanking ME for?" Jacqui asked. "I haven't done anything…"

"Not done anything?" Craig replied in amazement. How could she not realise what she had done and what her actions had meant? "Jacqui… you did everything… if it wasn't for you I might not… you sent him to me Jac… you sent John Paul to Dublin…"

"No… I gave him a ticket… John Paul went to Dublin cause he wanted to…"

"But if you hadn't…"

"He would have found his way there eventually… he was missing you Craig… he was always gonna come looking for you in the end…"

Craig looked down at his hands, his voice dropping so low that Jacqui had to strain to hear his words. "If he hadn't come when he did it might have been too late…"

There was an edge to Craig's tone that gave Jacqui chills as if something very dark had just walked over her grave.

"How d'you mean?" Jacqui asked quietly.

Craig looked back into the McQueen's living room, where John Paul was talking happily with his mother, and smiled. John Paul McQueen, to the rest of the world he was nothing more than an ordinary young man, nothing very special and not somebody that would change the world. But he had changed Craig's world, from the moment they first met things had never been the same. They had been wonderful and terrifying, exciting and shocking but mostly they had been real. John Paul McQueen had made Craig feel real and he would never be able to repay him for that.

"Things had got pretty bad before John Paul turned up," Craig said quietly, still watching the blonde man as he spoke.

"Bad how?" Jacqui asked quietly, moving to stand behind Craig, her hand resting gently on his shoulder.

"At first he just used to get angry occasionally… but it started to happen more and more until… it was everything… whatever I said or did was always wrong… It got to the point where… I thought he really might kill me one day…"

"Craig I…" Jacqui tightened her grip on the young man's shoulder.

"But that wasn't the worst thing," Craig continued as he turned away from watching John Paul and walked slowly back to the kettle. "The worst thing was that I'd stopped caring… if John Paul hadn't shown up when he did…" Craig's dark eyes sparkled with a deep and unfailing love as he said the younger man's name. "Seeing him again… touching him… it reminded me who I was… what it was like to have someone who loved me… I don't ever want to forget that again. So I do have reason to thank you Jacqui, more than I could ever really say…"

There was sadness in Craig's smile that tore through Jacqui's tough shell and instinctively she pulled the man into her arms. He seemed so fragile and broken but there was also a strength inside him that was rooted in the deep love he shared with Jacqui's brother.

John Paul was surprised, when he walked into the kitchen area, to see his boyfriend and his sister in a soft embrace but there was something about the way they were stood that made him know he shouldn't interrupt.

Finally Jacqui released her hold of Craig and flashed a warm approving smile to her brother. It was true that she hadn't liked Craig Dean. But that had been the young man who had always seemed selfish and thoughtless. The Craig Dean now standing in the McQueen's kitchen wasn't the same man.

"So it this tea ever gonna get made?" John Paul asked lightly.

Craig turned to him with a laugh. "Not if you're gonna be that impatient," he teased gently before pressing his lips to John Paul's with such a soft intensity that it took the man's breath away.

"I love you John Paul McQueen," Craig said quietly with a sure and certain knowledge that that was a phrase he was never going to tire of using.

* * *

"You ready for this?" John Paul smiled gently, a smile that made the blue of his eyes soften until they became a place Craig could fall safely into.

"Not really," Craig admitted with a nervous laugh and a shrug of his shoulders.

"You don't have to you know…"

"Yeah I do." Craig sighed as he looked at the building before him. Like everything else in Hollyoaks this was another place that was startlingly familiar and yet forever changed. He had managed to put off the inevitable visit by not leaving the McQueen's house for three days, but he knew that was hardly a long-term solution. "Myra was right," he continued, "I can't have someone telling my mum they've seen me in the village… she should hear it from me that I'm home…"

"And everything else?" John Paul asked quietly. He looked at Craig with such love and understanding that the older man had to hold back the urge to weep. It seemed hard to believe that such a short time ago Craig had allowed himself to be convinced that he would never see, or deserve, such love again and now, with John Paul by his side, he couldn't foresee another day without it.

"I can't," Craig said with a small shake of his head. "I just can't tell her… I can't let my mum know THAT…"

"It's OK," John Paul reassured him with a warm squeeze of the hand held tightly in his, "You don't have to…"

Craig took a deep breath as he looked towards the doors to the pub. "Here we go then… you won't…"

"Won't what?"

"Go… I mean whatever happens… you won't leave me will you?"

John Paul looked at Craig for a moment, reaching his hand up he touched the older man's cheek softly, his fingers breathing lightly over the smoothness of Craig skin as a whisper of electricity crackled between them.

"I'm going nowhere," John Paul promised, "I'm never gonna leave you." Craig leant his face against the warmth of John Paul's touch for a second, pulling strength and reassurance from the contact.

"Tell me that you love me," Craig asked, his deep brown eyes filled with the need for John Paul's comfort and support.

John Paul let his fingertips brush against the curve of Craig's lips as he spoke. "You know I love you Craig," he replied, "With all my heart… I've always loved you… and I always will."

Craig smiled at John Paul's words and at the truth he could feel behind them. Whatever happened inside the Dog, whatever happened for the rest of his life, Craig knew with absolute certainty that he wouldn't be facing it alone.

Without another word the two men headed towards the pub, their footsteps perfectly synchronised as Craig pushed open the doors.

Frankie's initial reaction upon seeing Craig was elated surprise. Her youngest son hadn't said he was coming home for a visit and she raced quickly around the bar to greet him.

Frankie's second reaction was disbelief. Her footsteps faltered and the smile faded from her lips when she noticed that Craig wasn't alone. She hadn't even been aware that the two young men were in contact again and yet there they were standing before her, together. Frankie took a second look in the hope that she was seeing things, but there was no mistaking the fact that her son's hand was held in the tight grasp of the McQueen boy.

"Hi mum," Craig said nervously as his mother stood before him in silence.

With a shake of her head Frankie tried to dislodge the multitude of conflicting thoughts and emotions that were racing through her and let a hint of a genuine smile break onto her face as she looked at her son.

"Craig… you didn't say you were coming home," Frankie as she pulled Craig into her arms and tried not to notice that, as he hugged her with one hand, the other remained firmly in the grip of John Paul.

"It's… well it's not… I mean… it's kinda complicated," Craig mumbled as his mother released her hold.

"I see," Frankie replied, making a point of letting her gaze rest on the young men's clasped hands.

"Can we go upstairs and talk mum? Just us?"

"Just us?" Frankie cast another look at John Paul as she asked the question.

"Yeah," Craig replied, "Just the three of us."

* * *

John Paul felt strange sitting in the flat above the Dog again after so long, after everything that had happened. This was the place where he had cruelly forced Craig to admit the truth about their relationship, and the place where they had stood side by side as Craig bravely told his family that he loved John Paul. It was the place where they had been friends and then lovers. It was a place that held so many contradictions and John Paul could see them all in Frankie's eyes as she observed the two young men on the sofa in her living room.

"Look mum I… I'm not going back to Dublin," Craig blurted out, an instant rush of relief washing over him as he forced the words from his mouth.

"What d'you mean not going back?" Frankie asked with a dismissive laugh.

"I mean I'm not going back… to Dublin… to Trinity… I'm staying here…"

"With him?" Frankie couldn't hide the bitterness in her voice. Craig had managed to escape John Paul's influence once, breaking free before it was too late, how was it that they were back together again now?

"Yes mum… with John Paul," Craig confirmed. "But that's not… he's not…"

"I can't believe you're prepared to throw everything away again for him," Frankie said in exasperation.

"Mum!" Craig objected but Frankie hadn't finished talking.

"You were happy there Craig… you were doing so well, you'd settled down and put… put everything else behind you…"

"I was never happy mum," Craig replied with a sigh.

"But you told me…"

"I told you what you wanted to hear… I never fit in… I was failing all my classes… I was miserable…"

"So John Paul McQueen turns up and suddenly everything is fine… suddenly you want to come home and give up on everything you worked so hard for?" Frankie shook her head in confusion. Craig HAD been happy there, he had told her. She was his mother, she would have known if anything had been wrong. She just would!

"Mum it's not that simple," Craig replied quietly. "Please try to understand… you learned to accept us once, can't you do that again?"

"But don't you see?" Frankie reasoned. "This is just history repeating itself… he's got what he wants right now but how long before he changes his mind and leaves you again?"

"This is nothing like last time Frankie," John Paul said, his calm voice hiding the frustration that was quickly growing inside him.

"No? How can you be so sure?"

"Because I love him."

Frankie spat out a bitter laugh. "Love? What do you know about love? It wasn't that long ago that you were both standing here trying to convince us you were in love… and look how that turned out… Craig would have been happy with Sarah if it hadn't been for you… and now you've just gone and done it again…"

"How have I done it again?" John Paul asked with a puzzled frown.

"Craig was happy with that girl he was seeing in Dublin… I don't know what it is you said to him to make him leave her but…"

"Girl?" John Paul said as he turned his face to Craig.

"There was no girl in Dublin mum," Craig confessed quietly, dropping his eyes to the floor, unable to meet John Paul's gaze.

"But you told me… you said you were seeing someone…"

"I was… but… but it wasn't a girl… you just assumed and I never corrected you."

Frankie observed her son in silence as she let his words slowly penetrate through the shell of denial that she had fought so hard to build around her. She had been convinced that Craig's relationship with John Paul had been a one-off, a mistake, an experiment of youth but now she had to face the truth.

"You're gay?" The words came out in a whisper and Craig wasn't sure if they were a question or an accusation.

"I don't know," Craig replied sadly. "I think… maybe… I love John Paul… isn't that enough."

"He'll hurt you again… just like before."

"No mum he won't… not this time… everything's different, we're different." Craig knuckles were white as he gripped John Paul's hand tightly seeking the reassurance of the man's presence as he watched the myriad of emotions roll through his mother's eyes.

"How is anything different," Frankie argued. "Can't you see it's already started… can't you see what he's doing to you Craig?"

"Frankie, please," John Paul said gently. He could feel Craig's anguish as the dark haired man trembled beside him and he fought down the urge to take the woman by the shoulders and shake some sense into her.

"I'm talking to my son," Frankie snapped angrily. "I won't let you do this to him again… he was happy in Dublin before you showed up…"

"No mum I wasn't," Craig insisted but his words seemed to fall on deaf ears as Frankie continued her tirade against the young blonde man.

"He was doing well for himself… he was seeing… he was in a relationship… why did you have to turn up and spoil it all for him again John Paul? Why couldn't you just leave my son alone? He doesn't need you… he never needed you…"

"Mum you're wrong," Craig said, his voice shaking with emotion and unshed tears. "I do need him… more than you know…"

"If it wasn't for John Paul you'd still be happy in Dublin…"

"No… if it wasn't for John Paul I'd…" Craig got to his feet, his hand slipping from the comfort of John Paul's touch as he moved towards his mother. "If it wasn't for him I'd…"

"What?" Frankie asked, standing to face her son. "What is so great about John Paul McQueen that you can't get away from him… what is it he's ever done for you that is so wonderful."

"He… he…" Craig's eyes were filled with tears as he turned his head to look back at the man who had done more for him that anyone else ever could.

"It doesn't matter Craig," John Paul said gently. He didn't really care if Frankie Osbourne hated him for the rest of his life; it was how Craig felt that was important.

"It matters," Craig replied, the first show of tears tumbling over his cheeks as he blinked. "But I can't… I don't know how to…"

"Craig what is it? Tell me…" Frankie's tone softened as she saw the anguish in her son's tear filled eyes and the gentleness of the look that was exchanged between the two young men.

Rising to his feet John Paul slipped a supporting arm around Craig's shoulders.

"It's alright," he whispered softly. "I'm here… it's all alright…"

"Craig please," Frankie pleaded. Her son's sudden distress was terrifying and she couldn't believe that whatever it was he was hiding could be any worse than the scenario's that were running through her head.

"Mum… I… it's just… it's… John Paul… he… he…" Craig turned his gaze to look into the soft blue depths that spoke of love and trust. "He saved me," Craig finished quietly, "If he hadn't shown up when he did…"

"Craig I don't understand… please," Frankie placed her hand on her youngest son's shoulders and was shocked to feel how much he was trembling.

"I can't say it," Craig said, his words and eyes directed totally to John Paul.

"I know," John Paul replied with a soft touch to Craig's cheek.

"Help me." Craig buried his face into the familiar warm scent of John Paul's chest, the man's strong arms wrapping firmly around him, sheltering and protecting him from anything that might threaten harm.

Frankie's fingertips touched nervously at her son's shaking shoulders as she looked at John Paul and, for the first time, she saw the man who loved her son rather than the boy who had left him.

"What is it?" she asked quietly, almost afraid to know the truth.

"Frankie," John Paul's anger and frustration at Craig's mother had quickly been replaced by a gentle understanding as he saw the deep-seated worry in her eyes. He knew she had struggled to accept things when his relationship with Craig was first revealed and that acceptance must have felt misplaced when things didn't work out but he also knew that, despite everything, Frankie loved her son and she was only trying to protect him, just like John Paul was.

"Tell me," she breathed quietly.

"I can't," Craig said in a pained voice as he looked into the strength of John Paul's eyes. He might not be able to find the words himself, but he realised that he needed his mother to know, maybe not everything, but she needed to know what John Paul had done and how much his love meant to Craig. "Can you… will you…?"

Craig pulled out of the comfort of John Paul's embrace as the younger man nodded his agreement. Casting a look at his mother Craig raced from the room as a fresh wash of tears coated his cheeks.

Frankie moved to follow her son but a restraining hand on her arm halted her steps.

"Leave him Frankie," John Paul told her. "He needs a few minutes and I… I need to tell you…"

"Tell me what? What's happened?"

"Sit down," John Paul said retaking his seat, "Please Frankie… sit down."

Once Frankie was seated again John Paul leant towards her, his elbows resting on his knees and his chin supported in his hands.

"When I got to Dublin… when I found Craig he was… The guy Craig was with he… he wasn't a very nice man…"

"How d'you mean?"

John Paul took a deep breath and closed his eyes. It was such a terrible thing he had to tell her but he knew he had to be strong, for Craig's sake.

"He was abusive… really abusive… Physically… emotionally… And Craig was… scared… no more like terrified…"

"That can't be right," Frankie said with a laugh that had nothing to do with amusement, "My Craig wouldn't have put up with that… he… he would have told me… it's not true."

"I'm sorry Frankie but it is… and Craig didn't tell you cause he was ashamed…"

"But he could tell you?"

"No… I found out… I saw the bruises, the fear and I… I saw that bastard hitting him…"

"No… that can't be right… tell me it's not… why would he put up with that, why wouldn't he come home… why would my little boy let someone treat him like that?" Tears tumbled down Frankie's cheeks as she spoke and John Paul reached out to take her hands gently.

"Lee messed with his head," John Paul explained, "He made Craig think he deserved it… that he had no one else… that no one cared what happened to him…"

"I let him down," Frankie said dejectedly.

"We all let him down," John Paul agreed.

"What do we do now?" Frankie asked, surprised that she needed reassurance and assistance from the young man she had, until very recently, blamed for ruining her son's life.

"We never let him down again," John Paul said simply, slipping to his knees before Craig's mother and taking her gently in his arms as her shoulders shook with silent sobs.

"Will you look after him?"

"For the rest of my life… I love him."

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

"Yes mum… yes I will… I said I will… yeah I'll let you know… yes mum… really… look I've gotta… mum I really need to… yes later… mum I've gotta go… yeah I love you too… bye mum… bye…"

With a sigh Craig dropped his mobile onto the table and threw himself down on the sofa beside John Paul.

Discarding the magazine he was reading John Paul smiled as Craig's head came to rest on his shoulder.

"Who was on the phone?" he asked with a grin.

Craig shoved his boyfriend playfully. "Has anyone ever told you how funny you are?"

"No…"

"There's a very good reason for that!"

John Paul slid his arm around Craig shoulders as he kissed the top of the man's head gently. "So what did your mum want?"

"She was asking if we were gonna go around there for Christmas dinner…"

"Oh…"

Lifting himself from the warmth of John Paul's shoulder Craig looked into the deep blue depths of the younger man's eyes. Their colour never ceased to amaze and intoxicate him, their exact shade of blue changing to reflect John Paul's mood.

"Myra's asked the same hasn't she?"

John Paul nodded.

"So what we gonna do?" Craig asked as he settled back against John Paul's side.

"Well to be fair we DID go round to your lot last year," John Paul reasoned, "How about we have dinner with my family and then we all go over to the Dog after for a few drinks."

"What a genius," Craig said with a smile, "See why I love you…"

"What? You only love me for my mind? I am offended!"

"Well you do have one or two other qualities," Craig teased.

"Such as?"

"You make a decent brew," Craig said with a hopeful raise of his eyebrows.

"Would that be a less than subtle hint Mr Dean?"

"If I say yes will it get me a brew Mr McQueen?"

John Paul got to his feet with a laugh, slapping Craig's leg as he rose. "Go on then," he said, "But you've got to keep me company while I make it."

Craig leant against the kitchen wall as John Paul set about making the drinks. As soft smile played over Craig's lips as he watched the younger man, his boyfriend, his partner, his other-half… his life.

* * *

Three months after returning to Chester the two men had moved into their own flat. It wasn't that they hadn't been happy staying at the McQueen's, or that they hadn't been made to feel welcome there, but they had known it was time to move out and start afresh. They knew it was time for it to be just the two of them.

The first night in their new home had been a landmark that neither of them had expected. As they moved their possessions into the flat the men had joked about their plans for that first evening, and how they would no longer have to worry about the McQueen family overhearing them if they got too loud.

But as they fell contentedly onto the old sofa that they had found in a local charity shop John Paul and Craig did the one thing they had never really managed to do before. They talked. Curled up together against the soft tan fabric of the sofa they opened up their hearts more completely than they had ever done. They held each other closely as they laughed and cried in equal measure, not noticing as the hours ticked by and evening moved into night and then night gave way to the first tentative rays of morning.

They shared with each other how they had felt that fateful September day when all their dreams had crashed around them. John Paul had wept as Craig described his feelings of desolation watching John Paul walking away, and Craig had sobbed as John Paul explained how Craig's inability to show him any affection had felt like a bitter rejection.

With a regretful sigh John Paul had told of the time he found himself in Father Keiron's bed knowing, almost instantly, that he had made a grave error, not only for himself but also in allowing the priest to break his holy vows. John Paul explained how, in searching for love, he had finally admitted to himself the one thing he already knew. There was only one love for him and he had let it go to Dublin alone.

A while later, with his head resting against John Paul's chest, Craig had listened to the steady, strong beat of the man's heart and had slowly and painfully let go of the last of his secrets, the last of his shame. Sharing with the man he loved every moment of humiliation and abuse that he had suffered at the hands of Lee, his face coated with tears as he handed his pain to the only person who was really able to take it from him.

As exhaustion finally took over the men they had collapsed wearily into their new bed, instantly seeking the warmth of each other's arms as sleep began to call them.

"I'm sorry," John Paul breathed softly into Craig's hair.

"What for?" Craig asked sleepily, nestling deeper into the comfort of John Paul's chest.

"For everything… for letting you go… for letting you down…"

"Shhh," Craig said quietly, "None of that matters any more… we're here now and that's all I care about."

* * *

"What are you staring at?" John Paul asked with a laugh, the force of Craig's gaze burning into his back as he stirred the tea.

"You," Craig answered honestly.

"And why's that?"

"Cause you're gorgeous," Craig replied stepping forward and slipping his arms around John Paul's waist as he rested his chin on the man's shoulder. "And cause I love you."

Dropping the teaspoon in the sink John Paul turned around slowly, his eyes drinking in the sight of the man who held him gently, his heart racing, so filled with love, as he cupped Craig's face and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

Their hearts seemed to beat loudly in the silence of the kitchen and their eyes said what their voices didn't have to. "How could I ever live without you?" "You never have to."

"I was thinking," Craig said as he settled back onto the sofa and sipped at his tea.

"Careful," John Paul joked, "You don't want to go trying complicated things like thinking!"

"Oy!"

"Sorry… go on, what were you thinking?"

"How about, next Christmas, we stay here … just the two of us?"

"It's a great idea," John Paul agreed with a smile, "And it was a great idea last year when you thought of it too!"

"Not gonna happen is it?"

"With our two families? Not a chance!"

* * *

John Paul could still remember the previous Christmas with perfect clarity. He could recall how nervous he felt walking through the door at the Dog early that afternoon, Craig's hand gripped tightly in his as Frankie greeted them warmly.

But what John Paul remembered most of all was the feeling of sitting around the dinner table, surrounded by the Osbourne's and the Dean's and realising that he was welcome. Not just tolerated but actually welcomed.

Every member of Craig's family had shared a private smile with John Paul during that meal, their eyes thanking him for looking after their boy and their smiles telling him that, while some of them still might not understand their love, they could recognise it for the wonder that it was.

Towards the end of the meal John Paul had laughed as he wiped a drop of gravy from Craig's chin, brushing a soft kiss to the skin that his thumb had just wiped clean, when he realised that Frankie was watching them. John Paul had frozen for a moment, waiting for the flash of disapproval, or worse, disgust, to pass across the woman's face but instead all he saw was a soft smile.

Frankie Osbourne could see that her youngest son was happy, he was in love and he was safe and, although it had sometimes proved to be a struggle, she had finally realised that was what was important.

John Paul had smiled at Frankie, their eyes sparkling together with their shared love of the gentle chocolate-eyed boy. They had both promised never to let him down again and it was a promise neither of them planned to break.

* * *

Putting down their empty mugs John Paul and Craig curled into the warmth of each other. They could hear the cold winter wind howling outside but they paid it no attention as they snuggled into their loving embrace.

"Oh I forgot to tell you," John Paul said nodding towards the mantle, "We got a card off Liam today."

"Yeah," Craig leant forward as his eyes sought out the new card amongst the other snowy, glittery and occasionally religious images that their friends and families had sent, finally resting on an unfamiliar looking winter scene, "How's he doing?"

"OK I think… sends his best of course… and mentions some new woman he's been seeing…"

"Good for him… hope it works out this time…"

The two men looked at each other for a while, knowing what the other was thinking and feeling and sharing a moment of sadness and hope for their friend.

"There's nothing worse than not being with the person you love," John Paul said quietly as he pulled Craig back into his arms, safe in the knowledge that he never had to let go again.

There had been a time when being together had been nothing more than a wonderful, if seemingly unobtainable, dream.

They had both suffered and fought insurmountable odds in their desire to find each other again, to wipe away the painful memories of the past and look only to the future.

But they both knew in the end that everything they had been through, every tear and heartbreak, every bruise and threat, every second that they had been apart and had suffered in that separation had been worth it and they would gladly do it all again to be together.

Because that was all they had ever really wanted.

To be together.


End file.
